How is Technology Affecting Your Family?
Category:
Family Life - General
… When each person in a family has a cell phone, people
call that individual rather than their house or family.
Susan and I are only a household of two, but if we
disconnect our landline, people can no longer call us;
they’ll be forced to choose between calling me or
calling Susan. That choice changes things. For example,
now when my father-in-law calls our home phone to speak
with Susan, I often chat with him briefly before
handing over the phone; if Susan isn’t home when her
dad calls, I talk with him longer. If we disconnect our
home phone, I’m sure he’ll call Susan’s cell phone
rather than mine, and we’ll talk less often.
Disconnecting the shared phone will nudge us a little
farther apart...Complete
essay available upon request
One Marriage…Two Faiths
Category:
Couples & Marriage | Parenting
- General
…Mixed-faith couples don’t marry thinking religious
differences will ever become a point of contention.
Nevertheless, some studies estimate the divorce rate
among mixed-faith couples to be three times higher than
average. I believe mixed-faith couples can succeed at
marriage as long as there is appreciation and respect
for each other’s beliefs and traditions and a desire to
cultivate a couple and family identity that embraces
both faiths…
Complete essay available upon request
Complete essay available upon request
Storytelling Can Sustain Your Marriage
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...Every marriage and every family has a Story. Our
Stories are not just dusty collections of
memories—recollections of events we’ve moved beyond.
Our Stories are the living essence of marriage and
family life. They connect us with the forces that
shaped us into who we are and who we are
becoming...Complete
essay available upon request
A Little Craziness Relieves Stress
Category:
Family Life - General | Parenting
- General
...When Bri and I were dancing and singing to “Surfin’
Bird,” I was momentarily free from the stresses of my
life and Bri was learning that it’s OK for people of
all ages to engage in an occasional spontaneous
outburst of enthusiasm. A little craziness not only
relieves stress, it adds joy to life. Even better, it
can wear down a three-year-old to the point of taking a
nap...Complete
essay available upon request
The Year We Saved Christmas
Category:
Family Life - General
...The most remarkable thing was that Christmas morning
felt just like it does every year. No one seemed to
care that our fireplace was a wall mounted TV tuned to
the fireplace channel, that our stockings were hanging
from an entertainment console, or that our tree was a
scraggly fig instead of a noble fir. Our family
Christmas celebration felt remarkably and wonderfully
normal. I wouldn't have changed anything even if I
could...Complete
essay available upon request
An Uncommon Thanksgiving List
Category:
Family Life - General
A hat and a sofa are on the list of things for which
I’m thankful. Let me tell you how these two unlikely
things became important to me, and maybe you’ll think
of some uncommon items that belong on your own
Thanksgiving list...Complete
essay available upon request
Shaping a Positive Family Future
Category:
Family Life - General
...Even difficult experiences like the death of a
parent or a divorce can lead a family to tap new and
valuable resources, then pass what they learn on to the
next generation. The final outcome depends on what the
next generation does with that legacy. Look back
through several generations of your family. You will
likely discover that your family has taken many forms.
You will also likely discover that every family
experience, both positive and negative, has taught
something valuable...Complete
essay available upon request
Blame it on "Face"
...The saga of Face began with the idea of preparing my
granddaughter for a new sibling. I thought an imaginary
friend could help Bri practice sharing and cooperative
play. I had no idea my teaching method would end up
demonstrating that both two-year-old children and
sixty-year-old grandfathers have a similar capacity for
jealousy and blame...Complete
essay available upon request
Winning at Marriage
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...In 38 years of marriage, I’ve never won an argument
with my wife; but I’ve never lost an argument either.
Susan and I manage our conflicts by collaborating
instead of competing. Does that mean we begin every
disagreement in a spirit of collaboration? Are you
kidding?...Complete
essay available upon request
Living With Differences
Category: Parenting
- General
My son and I are different in some fundamental ways.
For one thing, I’m often slow to make decisions,
because I’m always searching for more ideas and
information. Ryan is usually quick to make decisions
based on whatever ideas and information he has at the
moment. Over the years, Ryan and I have learned to
manage those differences in ways that benefit us
both...Complete
essay available upon request
Spare Yourself Needless Worry
Category: Parenting
- General
If I could go back in time, there are some things I’d
like to say to my younger self to spare him from
needless worry. Younger Steve needlessly worried about
many things, including his children’s teeth, toes,
fingers and eyes...Complete
essay available upon request
The Final Chore
Category:
Couples & Marriage
(For Valentine's Day)...Parenting uses up time and
energy…as does working…as does maintaining a house…as
does staying in touch with family and friends…as
does...well, you can fill in the rest. No wonder
parents have ever growing “to do” lists. I want to
point out one activity that often gets pushed to the
bottom of the “to do” list, but which belongs near the
top for any couple wanting to make it through the
parenting years with their sanity and marriage
intact...Complete
essay available upon request
Should You Trust Science or Grandma?
Category: Parenting
- General
...I believe it’s safe to assume that neither
scientists nor Grandma would lie to you, but that
doesn’t mean the information each offers is always
accurate. You still need to carefully weigh all the
information you get before making your own parenting
decisions. Why? Let me remind you of a few facts about
parenting science and grandma wisdom...Complete
essay available upon request
The Truth About Santa
Category:
Parenting - Middle Years
If you raise your children to believe in Santa Claus,
will they stop trusting you when they learn the truth?
Will they wonder what else Mom and Dad have been
fibbing about? Not likely. Children perceive truth
differently than adults. I learned that lesson from my
son, Ryan, when he was six years old...Complete
essay available upon request
Gatherings that help everybody “feel like family”
Category:
Family Life - General
Family gatherings strengthen feelings of identity and
belonging, but parents don’t always agree on the kind
of family gatherings they want to provide for their
children...Complete
essay available upon request
Outgrowing Childhood Roles
Category: Child
Development | Parenting
- General
When my daughter was 11 years old, she showed a keen
interest in supervising her 9-year-old brother. Summer
played the role of “the responsible older sister,”
vigilantly hovering over her little brother. Ryan
played the complementary role of “the forgetful little
brother.” Summer’s eagerness to be her brother’s keeper
made me uneasy at times, but I often found myself
reinforcing their respective roles. This is how it went
one afternoon...Complete
essay available upon request
A Wife is Not a Television
Category:
Couples & Marriage
Everyone knows you shouldn’t treat a person like a
thing. Nevertheless, it’s hard to escape the influence
of consumerism in our society. Consumer attitudes and
expectations can harm important relationships if we’re
not careful...Complete
essay available upon request
Is My Child Ready for School?
Category: Child
Development |
Parenting - Middle Years
Parents decide when to start their children in school.
Most make the choice based on school district age
guidelines. But what if parents aren’t sure their child
is ready? It can be a tough call to make as my wife and
I found out...Complete
essay available upon request
Everybody Needs a Good Fantasy
Category:
Family Life - General
Everybody needs a good fantasy. If it wasn’t for my
surfing fantasies, I might not have moved all the way
to California for graduate school; and I probably
wouldn’t have risked leaving Washington State to start
all over in Southern California. Those efforts were, in
part, fueled by dreams of sunshine and perfect waves.
Fantasies are great motivators as long as you: 1) know
when to keep them to yourself and 2) don’t let them
totally warp your sense of reality...Complete
essay available upon request
A Lesson in Humility
Category: Parenting
- General
...That little pillow means the world to me because of
the life it represents; but before anyone else can know
the significance of the pillow, I must tell the story
behind it. So it is also with men like my father—men of
profound humility—who rarely say much about themselves.
It often falls to someone else to tell their story so
that others can understand their significance. This
Father’s Day, I’d like to share a couple of stories
that reveal the character of a humble man I was blessed
to know as “Dad.”...Complete
essay available upon request
Starting a Manners and Morals Conversation
Category:
Parenting - Teen Years
Children get informal lessons in manners and morals
every day. If Mom describes someone’s grocery store
behavior as “inconsiderate” because they block the
aisle with their shopping cart, that’s a mini-lesson in
manners. If Dad says, “That’s wrong” when he discovers
his parked car is damaged and no one left a note, it’s
a mini-lesson in morality. But what if Mom or Dad
intentionally decides to start up a conversation with
the children about manners or morals? There may be
little interest shown, especially if the children are
teens...
Complete essay available upon request
Complete essay available upon request
Unwrapping Giftedness
Category: Child
Development | Parenting
- General
When my children were young, I was always on the
lookout for any indication they might be gifted. After
all, if they were gifted, I didn’t want to miss an
opportunity to help them unwrap their
gift...Complete
essay available upon request
Making Do
Category:
Family Life - General
...We’re all going to have to adjust our expectations
and figure out how to “make do” with less. Rather than
see “making do” as a bad thing, I propose that we all
view it as an opportunity to expand our creativity,
flexibility, and resourcefulness...Complete
essay available upon request
A Remedy for Morning Mystery Illness
Category:
Parenting - Middle Years
Children sometimes get sick at the most inconvenient
times. Typically it’s on a school day and you’re
already running late for work or an appointment, when
right in the midst of the morning get-up-and-get-going
frenzy, your sweet little cherub looks up at you and
announces, “Mommy (Daddy), I don’t feel
good.”...Complete
essay available upon request
Praise Children Wisely
Category: Parenting
- General | Child
Development
...In general, praise is good for children and you
can’t overdo it with infants and toddlers. But with
older children, it’s wise to curb your praise a bit
some of the time, so that they can better enjoy the
inner satisfaction that comes from knowing they’ve done
a good thing. But that’s only one reason to hand out
praise in moderation...Complete
essay available upon request
Families in Business Together
Category:
Family Life - General
When a family owns and operates a business, family
issues and business issues intertwine making it
necessary to consider both the needs of family and the
needs of the business whenever any problems
arise...Complete
essay available upon request
A Father Reflects on 18 Years of Parenthood
Category: Parenting
- General
...It seems I took my eyes from the nursery window only
a moment; now I look again, and you are a young woman.
Eighteen years old, you are poised for yet another
giant step into your future. And I, once again, find
myself staring in awe, trying to fathom the miracle,
which you are. And I think back upon the promises made
long ago...Complete
essay available upon request
Dealing with Money Worries
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...I can say for sure that there were times we didn’t
worry about money when we had very little and times we
did worry about money when we were fairly well off. My
experience has been that money worries are always
partially subjective. That’s why I believe that you
can’t deal effectively with money worries until you
look at your situation from different points of
view...Complete
essay available upon request
Relaxed or Walking on Eggshells?
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...Relationship success is a path, not a destination.
The path of relationship success is paved with
acceptance, trust, humility, cooperation and
commitment. It feels totally relaxing to stroll down
that path. In contrast, the path of relationship
failure is paved with blame, suspicion, resentment,
arrogance and self-centeredness. Walking that path
feels like walking on eggshells...Complete
essay available upon request
A Fresh Look at Life
Category: Grandparenting
|
Family Life - General
...Fortunately, one of the best sources of positive
emotional experiences for adults comes from looking at
life through the eyes of children. It turns out that
our own children and grandchildren are one source of
the very thing we need to give them what they need.
That comes in handy when our own zest for life is
depleted. I’ve found some things in life that no longer
excite me or hold my interest can regain some of their
original freshness and luster if I view them through
the eyes of a child...Complete
essay available upon request
The Value of Simple Things
Category: Parenting
- General
...About two weeks after Christmas, I asked the kids
which gifts they liked best. To my surprise, Ryan told
me he liked his blue flannel pajamas best, because they
were soft and they kept him warm. Summer surprised me
by saying that her favorite presents were the seaweed
and the snail we added to her bowl of guppies. Until
that moment, I hadn’t realized how much my children
valued such simple things...Complete
essay available upon request
Revering Our Children
Category: Parenting
- General
...I believe everyone deserves to be respected from
birth. Most of us parents want more than that for our
children. I want my children to feel revered—to know
not only that they have my respect, but also my
affection. I want them to know I am in awe of the
extraordinary people they already are and of the
extraordinary potential that lies within them. I think
it would be good if all parents revered their
children...
Complete essay available upon request
Learning to collaborate with your spouse
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...It’s easy to say “two heads are better than one,”
but most of us like it best when our head has the most
influence. But that’s not how collaboration works.
Collaboration assumes both spouses have something
valuable to contribute. Both partners must show equal
respect for each partner’s perspective and a
willingness to accept each other’s
influence...Complete
essay available upon request
Better Parent and Teen Conversations
Category:
Parenting - Teen Years
...A good way to avoid the “boring lecture” trap is for
parents to view their teen’s comments and questions as
opportunities to revisit their own past in search of
fresh new observations and insights to share. Teens can
tell when their parents are willing to explore life
alongside them and engage in two-way conversation...
Complete essay available upon request
Discerning Your Child’s Potential
Category: Parenting
- General | Child
Development
...Our discernments are important. If we underestimate
our children’s potential, we may fail to provide them
with the opportunities and support they need to reach
their full potential. It’s heartbreaking to see
children in unchallenging school placements or “sitting
the bench” when it’s obvious they’re capable of being
on the field. But if we overestimate our children’s
potential, we may be setting them up for frustration
and failure, putting them into settings where they
simply can’t compete...Complete
essay available upon request
What Were You Looking At on the Internet?
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...Now that so many people are exploring their sexual
fantasies on the Internet, there are more and more
couples trying to figure out what this behavior means
to their relationship...Complete
essay available upon request
Adjusting to Changes in the Family
...The meaning of Ryan’s message was clear. He was
feeling rejected and alone since his big sister had
become a teenager. I had already noticed our cozy times
of family togetherness were yielding to
every-man-for-himself assertions of individuality. At
an earlier stage of family development it was safe to
assume the whole family would eat dinner together; but
now, I often found myself having to coax my daughter
into eating with the rest of us. Now that Summer was a
teen, she seemed to prefer any activity with friends to
any activity with family...Complete
essay available upon request
How to Stay CALM and IN CHARGE
Category: Parenting
- General
...Parents have a responsibility to state expectations
and set limits for their children’s behavior. I believe
these duties are best accomplished in a firm, calm,
matter-of-fact way. The truth is, however, that
emotions often get the best of us when we try to carry
out our parental duties. This can result in
out-of-control parenting...Complete
essay available upon request
Setting Limits Without Spanking
Category:
Parenting - Early Years
...I never advise using physical punishment, but I’m
not inclined to criticize parents who occasionally
deliver an open handed swat on their child’s fanny as
long as it doesn’t happen more than a few times a year,
only if their child is over two and under six, and only
if the parents are in control of their own emotions
when they swat. The problem is that most spankers use
it as a form of punishment and an outlet for their own
anger. This is a problem for several reasons...
Complete essay available upon request
Both Soul Mates and Sole Mates
Category:
Couples & Marriage
I hear a lot of people use the term soul mate to
describe their ideal partner—that special person “out
there somewhere” who can satisfy their needs and
desires like no one else and with whom they can live
“happily ever after.” The soul mate idea is romantic
and meaningful, but it can also be
misleading...Complete
essay available upon request
Family Types: Is Yours Healthy?
Category:
Family Life - General
...Finding a family style that works well can be quite
challenging if you or your spouse grew up in an
unhealthy family or if you grew up in healthy families
that were significantly different. A better
understanding of family types can make the task a bit
easier. In the end, you will know you succeeded if you
create a family in which everyone feels understood and
loved. The rest is just a matter of
style...Complete
essay available upon request
Will Our Children Have Faith?
Category: Parenting
- General |
Family Life - General
(1,690 words)...We parents decide how our children will
be nurtured and educated. Not all parents have a
connection to organized religion, but all parents want
their children to develop a sense of meaning and
purpose in life and to be rooted in deeply held values
that guide their behavior. We all hope our children
will discover what matters most in life and will put
their whole hearts into it. That is what faith is all
about. Faith is a lifelong journey toward
understanding, appreciating and living out one’s
highest vision of life. We parents hope our
children's faith will deepen and mature with every new
life experience...Complete
essay available upon request
The Adult Truth About Child Truth
Category:
Parenting - Middle Years
...It would be less confusing for parents if young
children always told the adult truth. But they don't.
Sometimes the best parents can do is acknowledge what
their children say, knowing they’ll never know exactly
what their children mean. I believe that parents who
understand and appreciate child truth communicate
acceptance to their children. Parents who fail to
understand and appreciate child truth can inadvertently
communicate negative judgment. A young child’s
creativity and self-esteem can be diminished if parents
regularly say things like, “What are you talking
about?” or “That can’t be right” or “That doesn’t make
sense.”...Complete
essay available upon request
Raising Trophy Children…Accidentally
Category: Parenting
- General | Child
Development
...Our goal was to raise well-adjusted children who: 1)
felt good about themselves and their accomplishments 2)
felt free to pursue their interests and talents as they
emerged 3) treated others as friends rather than
competitors. Despite our non-competitive parenting
attitudes, both children were and are quite
successful...Complete
essay available upon request
How Divorce Affects Children
...If your parents divorced during your childhood, even
if you grew up to be a happy and successful adult, you
may still sense a difference between you and your peers
whose parents stayed married. It’s a difference you may
find hard to put into words...Complete
essay available upon request
When Winning is Losing
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...Apparently some people haven’t figured out that if
you prove your spouse is hopelessly flawed, you
simultaneously prove that you’re crazy for marrying
them. The bottom line is this: In marriage you either
win together or you lose together. Insisting you’re a
better person than your spouse is marital
suicide...Complete
essay available upon request
What's in a Name?
Category:
Parenting - Early Years | Parenting
- General
Our newborn daughter was still nameless. The nurses
said my wife and I had to pick out
something…anything…because they didn’t let babies go
home from the hospital without names on their birth
certificates. In room 308 B, Susan and I sat in anxious
silence...Complete
essay available upon request
In Appreciation of Fathers
Category: Parenting
- General
I started appreciating my father more than ever after I
became a father myself. Recently I’ve come to
understand what it must have been like for Dad as he
watched me prepare to leave home for
good...Complete
essay available upon request
Getting From Rules to Moral Character
Category: Parenting
- General |
Parenting - Teen Years
...The path to moral character is never straight and is
paved with stones that will cause our children to
stumble at times. That’s why it’s important for us to
stand by ready to offer whatever help is needed to get
them through the difficult times. Sometimes we need to
pull out the old rulebook and remind them of our family
expectations; and sometimes we need to sit back and
trust that our children’s inner guidance system will
redirect them without our intervention. Knowing when to
“lay down the law” and when to “back off” is the mark
of a skilled parent...Complete
essay available upon request
TV or Not TV: Is That the Question?
Category: Parenting
- General |
Family Life - General
...But by the time Summer was 13 and Ryan was 10, Susan
and I were concerned about the number of hours they sat
in front of the TV. Would television destroy their
desire to read? Should we pull the plug on the boob
tube? Susan and I decided to monitor our family viewing
habits for a week so we’d have some data for our
deliberations...Complete
essay available upon request
A Time for Words…A Time for Silence
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...During counseling sessions I often ask people to
slow down their talking so there is enough space
between words for them to get in touch with the
stirrings of their hearts. I explain that messages of
the heart are quieter and harder to hear than the
messages of the mouth. Such reflective communication
often feels unnaturally slow to people accustomed to
talking to each other in quick snippets sandwiched
between the chattering of children and the stream of
sounds from the TV. But slowing down a conversation can
result in a better balance of words and silence, and
lead to better understanding...Complete
essay available upon request
Letting Children Be Children
Category: Parenting
- General
...Although parents receive many benefits from their
children, it is not the job of children to take care of
their parents, at least not during the growing up
years. Children whose parents depend too much on them
end up taking on adult roles prematurely and miss out
on their own childhoods. They never get to relax and
just be kids. Family therapists sometimes refer to
these adult-like children as parental or companionate
children...Complete
essay available upon request
Inspiring Children with Personal Stories
Category: Parenting
- General
...My beloved Sunday School teacher was one of those
people who survived on the edge of poverty. Bertha
lived on a street that flooded regularly when the Ohio
River spilled its banks, giving her modest unpainted
clapboard house the patina of driftwood. Bertha lacked
much formal education and dressed like many other women
in that part of town, in simple cotton dresses, with
her oily-slick hair pulled back tightly in a ponytail.
But the most important thing about Bertha was that she
was sweet and kind, always ready with a warm smile and
encouraging words. Her life was dedicated to helping
those people she called the “less
fortunate”...Complete
essay available upon request
A Relationship Called Forgiveness
Category: Parenting
- General |
Family Life - General
...Genuine forgiveness doesn't draw a sharp distinction
between who is doing the forgiving and who is the one
being forgiven because it recognizes that few
situations are so black and white that anyone is 100
percent without fault. Only the forgiven can forgive.
Genuine forgiving always involves one forgiven human
being standing in fellowship with another forgiven
human being. It requires humility. It mends broken
relationships by reminding everyone involved of their
own fallibility and need for one another’s compassion
and love...Complete
essay available upon request
When Tears Are a Badge of Honor
Category: Parenting
- General | Child
Development
...Parenthood is filled with brief moments of sadness.
Mostly it’s a sweet sadness, born of love and
affection, but it’s sadness nonetheless. I think it’s
best for parents to view that sadness as a perfectly
normal reaction but one that comes with a warning
label. The label reads: Warning. Watching a child
grow up may cause temporary sadness. If this occurs and
you are unable to comfort yourself, please seek comfort
from other adults. Under no circumstances should you
turn to that child for comfort as this has been known
to result in a slowing of the natural growing up
process...Complete
essay available upon request
When Your Spouse Finds Slight Perfections in You
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...It feels wonderful to have someone fall in love with
you and put you on a pedestal. But staying on that
pedestal requires a continuous effort to be faithful,
loving and kind on a regular basis. Fortunately, you
don’t need to be perfect. As long as you make a sincere
effort you will discover that your spouse looks right
past your flaws and into your heart. You will feel like
the luckiest person in the world because you are loved
just for being who you are...Complete
essay available upon request
When Fathers Turn Fun into Fear
Category:
Parenting - Early Years |
Parenting - Middle Years
...Some fathers intentionally push their sons to the
edge of fear, hoping the experience will be memorable
and aid the development of courage. But engaging
children in this way can have negative consequences. To
point out some of the possible negative consequences, I
offer this fictional letter, written from the point of
view of a young son...Complete
essay available upon request
Whose Money? Yours, Mine or Ours?
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...according to one recent survey, about half of all
married couples today keep multiple bank accounts, and
it is a growing trend. What does the choice to maintain
his and hers bank accounts say about a relationship?
Does it indicate selfishness? Does it reveal lack of
trust in each other and commitment to marriage? Can
spouses honestly claim to be team players in marriage
without pooling their financial resources? I’ve
concluded that when it comes to money, the attitudes a
husband and wife have about sharing and decision-making
affect the quality of their marriage much more than the
particular form of money management they
choose...Complete
essay available upon request
Goodbye Summer, Hello Summer
Category: Child
Development |
Parenting - Teen Years
...It wasn’t easy to cope with losing my daughter to
her peer group. I liked the old feeling when Summer
used to hang on my every word. After she turned 13, I
just got left hanging. I liked it better when I held
celebrity status with my daughter, before I became a
persona non grata as long as there was a 13-year-old
within sight. I knew this change was absolutely normal,
natural and necessary, but I didn’t like it a bit. I
missed the days when Summer would go anywhere and do
anything just to be with me...Complete
essay available upon request
Preparing Children for Successful Marriages
Category:
Couples & Marriage
My daughter is getting married in a few months and I’m
confident that her marriage will be an unqualified
success—a loving lifelong relationship that generates
growth, happiness and fulfillment (hopefully,
grandchildren too). That’s an optimistic statement in a
society where the divorce rate hovers close to fifty
percent and from a father who is a marriage counselor
and has observed just about everything that can go
wrong in a marriage. But I’m not worried about my
daughter and her fiancé, because the odds of a
successful marriage are actually quite high for couples
that meet certain criteria...Complete
essay available upon request
Helping Children Develop Moral Character
Category: Parenting
- General
I first began posing moral questions to my children
when they were young. Sometimes my questions were
prompted by real situations in our lives, but often
they came up as a result of watching TV shows or movies
together. A moral dilemma would present itself and I’d
ask the kids: Do you think that’s right? What do you
think is the best thing to do in that situation? My
questions were a way of drawing out and reinforcing the
moral wisdom I believed they—like all
children—naturally possessed...Complete
essay available upon request
A Miracle Cure for Marriage Problems
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...My job is to help couples become collaborators
instead of adversaries or strangers. Some of my clients
start the process before they’ve even met me. But
whether the process happens with or without help, fast
or slow, the good news is that collaborative
conversations can cure marriage problems. I’ve watched
it happen for years, and it still seems like a miracle
to me...Complete
essay available upon request
A Gift Everyone Needs…And Can Afford to Give
Category:
Family Life - General
... I answered the office phone. "Hello, this is Steve
Meineke."
"Hi," said a tiny sounding voice, "can you talk with me?"
"Well, I can talk for a minute," I said hesitantly, unsure whether the tiny voice was that of a child, an upset adult calling for counseling, or a crank caller pretending to be a child.
"Were you trying to reach someone in particular?" I asked.
"No, I was just calling numbers," said the tiny voice. "Are you sure you can only talk for a minute?...Complete essay available upon request
"Hi," said a tiny sounding voice, "can you talk with me?"
"Well, I can talk for a minute," I said hesitantly, unsure whether the tiny voice was that of a child, an upset adult calling for counseling, or a crank caller pretending to be a child.
"Were you trying to reach someone in particular?" I asked.
"No, I was just calling numbers," said the tiny voice. "Are you sure you can only talk for a minute?...Complete essay available upon request
Being Thankful for Whatever Is
Category:
Family Life - General
...What if questions are interesting and
sometimes they can guide us make better choices in the
future. But there is one big problem with what
if questions: They can keep us from being thankful
for whatever is...Complete
essay available upon request
Rediscovering the Gift of Parenthood
Category: Parenting
- General
...Such experiences taught me that the simple act of
watching my children from a distance could renew my
parenting energy. From a distance it was easy to see
the preciousness and beauty of their young lives. From
a distance I could see what an honor it was to be
entrusted with their care. From a distance parenting
didn’t look like a chore, it looked like a
gift...Complete
essay available upon request
Matter-of-Fact Parenting
Category:
Parenting - Middle Years | Parenting
- General
...I believe a matter-of-fact approach keeps parents
from getting caught in a web of negative emotion with
their children. Emotions are contagious. When parents
strongly react to their children’s negative behavior
with fear or anger they wind up delivering long
speeches or making accusations and threats. This is not
only upsetting for everyone; it is also ineffective. I
believe effective parenting involves 1) common sense 2)
observations and comments spoken in a calm
matter-of-fact tone, and 3) positive
encouragement...Complete
essay available upon request
Father vs. Son Competition
...Dad really wanted that point. For his courageous
effort, he only managed to dink the ball back over. I
put it away with authority. My point. Dad picked
himself up, tar covered pebbles falling from bloodied
impressions on his elbows and knees. The look on his
face—a resigned smile—told me something had changed
between us. That day, on the tennis court, I was his
father. But I was better prepared for my victory than
for Dad's defeat. I felt great and terrible, triumphant
and afraid...Complete
essay available upon request
When Being Helpful Isn’t Helpful
Category: Parenting
- General
...Was I being self-centered? Uncaring? Unsupportive?
Perhaps. But if you try too hard to be a good parent,
you can miss important opportunities to teach your
children responsible self-dependence. How can you
expect your children to learn how to take care of
themselves if you never give them a chance?...
Complete essay available upon request
Helping Your Family Stick Together
Category: Parenting
- General |
Family Life - General
Children (and grownups too) want to know: Who am I?
Where do I come from? To whom do I belong? These are
weighty questions, but parents don’t need to be
theologians or philosophers to respond helpfully. When
children wonder about identity and belonging, they are
usually concerned more about their place in the family
than their place in the cosmos. You can help them feel
more secure about who they are and where they belong by
telling them your family story. Here are some thoughts
and ideas to help you...Complete
essay available upon request
Dare to Dream: But Keep Both Feet on the Ground
Category: Parenting
- General
...It’s normal for parents to flash back to their own
childhood struggles when they see their children
struggling with similar challenges. But I think we
should continually remind ourselves that our children
are not just smaller younger versions of ourselves. In
order to make sure we see our children for who they
really are, we need to be able to see past our own
childhood experiences...Complete
essay available upon request
Planning for Valentine’s Day...Next Year
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...The loss of intimate feelings in a relationship is
like a strange form of amnesia. It’s hard to imagine
how feelings once so prominent turn into faint
recollections. How can two people who once felt head
over heels in love, end up in only a few short years
questioning if they ever actually felt that way? But it
happens…a lot...Complete
essay available upon request
Visiting the Doctor
Category:
Parenting - Early Years
...Summer brought along her toy doctor’s kit to her
next appointment. Before her own examination, which we
knew would include a vaccination, Summer gave Dr. Ban
the full treatment. He bravely let Summer give him a
“shot” with her big yellow plastic syringe. Not
surprisingly, Summer’s own examination and vaccination
went equally well...Complete
essay available upon request
The Importance of Family Rituals
Category: Parenting
- General |
Family Life - General
...Even though we sometimes went out for ice cream
other than at report card time, those outings were
never special like the times we went to Baskin Robbins
to celebrate the end of a grading period. I am
absolutely convinced that one reason my children did
well in school is because they felt part of a family
that cared about education and regularly celebrated
that family value every time we conducted the report
card/ice cream ritual...Complete
essay available upon request
When the Affair Doesn’t End
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...Couples in this situation live in marital limbo.
They aren’t ready to give up on their marriages, but
neither are they ready to wholeheartedly work at
improving their marriages, since they lack the security
and safety that marital commitment provides. In
addition, they can’t begin dealing with the aftermath
of the affair, because the affair isn’t completely
over. Since involved partners sometimes remain
ambivalent for weeks or months, this state of limbo can
drag on. How long should the betrayed partner wait for
a decision? Should the betrayed partner actively fight
for their marriage or should the betrayed partner give
the involved partner space, perhaps separating until a
decision about the marriage is made? The questions and
complexities are endless...Complete
essay available upon request
How to Deal With Kids’ Crazes
Category:
Parenting - Middle Years
...I's almost instinctual for parents to see Garbage
Pail Kids trading cards and say to their children,
“Why-in-the-world do you want to have anything like
these? Can’t you spend your money on something
worthwhile?” Of course, parents who dared make
such statements were met with, “But Mom (Dad),
everybody…etc.…etc.…etc.” (Whatever explanation your
children offer for wanting GPK cards doesn’t really
matter because the only thing that really counts is
that every other kid has them.)...Complete
essay available upon request
Parenting Styles: Optimistic, Pessimistic or Realistic?
Category: Parenting
- General
...I try to find a balance between my natural optimism
and natural pessimism about human nature. Whenever
possible, I try to be optimistic and make it clear to
my children that I anticipate the positive. Children
thrive on the positive. I resist pessimism, but I know
that my children won’t always do the right thing and it
is my job to provide them with limits and
guidance...Complete
essay available upon request
Encouraging Ambition and Creativity
Category: Parenting
- General
...Our everyday interactions with our children can
encourage or discourage their ambition and creativity.
Every time they come to us with some idea they find
exciting, we can turn toward them, turn
away from them or turn against them.
When Summer came to me with her shaved ice treat
maximizing idea, I teetered dangerously at the brink of
turning away from or against her...Complete
essay available upon request
The Importance of Sharing Your Convictions
Category: Parenting
- General
...As I picked up the phone to tell Ryan the
heartbreaking news about his beloved Granny, I wondered
what Ryan would be thinking and feeling as he drove to
the hospital. How would he react when he saw his
Granny, who had cooked him dinner just two days before,
so very close to death? Had I prepared Ryan for such a
moment? Ryan and I talked about many things over the
years, but had we talked about death? Did Ryan know my
deepest convictions? Would that knowledge strengthen
him?...Complete
essay available upon request
It Helps to Have a Parenting Philosophy
Category:
Parenting - Teen Years
...There is no single best parenting philosophy, but my
experience as a family therapist leads me to caution
against the extremes. For example, when parents grossly
underemphasize individual freedom and
overemphasize family belonging, they usually
end up with teens that are compliant but can’t think
for themselves or teens that are rebellious and reject
the family standards. On the other hand, parents who
grossly underemphasize family belonging and
overemphasize individual freedom usually end
up with teens that look outside the family for a place
to belong. They usually find belonging either within
the fellowship of other lost and unsupervised teens or
in an organized group that—for better or worse—becomes
their surrogate family. Avoid the extremes when
developing your philosophy of parenting...Complete
essay available upon request
What is Good Sex?
Category:
Couples & Marriage |
Parenting - Teen Years
(Valentine's Day)...We should be telling our children
that good sex is something that can only be achieved in
a loving, committed, unselfish and equal relationship.
That takes a lot of time and a lot of love. But before
we can deliver this message with conviction, we must
experience good sex ourselves so that we can model for
our children what a relationship looks like between two
people who are intimately and affectionately connected.
When we parents are comfortable claiming the title of
sex experts, our children will listen...Complete
essay available upon request
Play Together to Stay Together
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...All over the country sports junkie husbands and
their football widow wives will face off for the final
battle of the football season. After they are through
highlighting their obvious and irritating differences,
many couples will end up questioning how they ended up
together in the first place. Frustrated men will
fantasize about women who actually enjoy sports bars
and frustrated women will fantasize about men who
actually enjoy movies where nothing gets blown up. The
one thing they will agree on is that their
relationships would be more satisfying if they spent
more time participating in leisure activities together.
Unfortunately, most will go about it in the wrong
way...Complete
essay available upon request
Tidings of Comfort and Joy
Category:
Family Life - General
...Conscientious parents can’t help but wonder how
their children’s attitudes and values are being shaped
by holiday advertising hype and displays of
unrestrained materialism. One year, I went through the
frustrating process of searching all over town for a
Cabbage Patch Doll to give my daughter for Christmas.
The ordeal led me to ask myself the following
questions: Should I allow aggressive marketing to
dictate my daughter’s toy preferences? Should I allow
short supplies of the coveted prize to dictate the
amount of time I spend searching for it? At what point
should I declare the doll search “holiday madness” and
myself an overly indulgent parent for succumbing to it?
Before I tell you how I handled the situation, let me
offer a brief history lesson to help you understand my
decision...Complete
essay available upon request
And Baby Makes Three
Category:
Couples & Marriage |
Parenting - Early Years
...We parents really do fall in love with our babies.
The intense feelings of loving closeness help us endure
the stress of meeting baby's needs, but also may cause
us to lose sight of other important needs. We also need
to take care of ourselves and our marriages. Once baby
arrives, however, it can be quite a challenge to find
"quality time" for ourselves or for our marriages. For
new parents, finding "quality time" for themselves will
be a challenge they to face for many
years...Complete
essay available upon request
Coping Skills for Stressful Times
Category: Parenting
- General
...Look for signs of trauma related stress in your
children. Pre-school age children may become more
clingy, begin following you around the house, want to
be held more than usual, or increase their resistance
to being left with a babysitter. Previously outgrown
behaviors may reappear, such as thumb sucking,
bedwetting or baby talk. Grade-school age children may
resist going to school or complain of stomachaches and
headaches. They may suddenly be afraid to go to bed
alone, have trouble falling asleep or wake up with
nightmares. Irritability and outbursts of anger can
also be signs that a child is scared, so if you notice
your child acting out more, don’t discipline them
without first considering the possibility that they are
confused and afraid. Adolescents sometimes cover up
their fear with bravado, so don’t be fooled. Others
will find it difficult to concentrate in general or
will become preoccupied with the crisis. Some
adolescents may get depressed, withdrawing from friends
and usual activities. You won’t know for sure if your
child’s symptoms are related to traumatic stress until
you have a heart to heart conversation with them about
their feelings...Complete
essay available upon request
Buying Clothes for Your Kids
Category: Child
Development | Parenting
- General
...And so with tongue in cheek, I invite you to take
heed and remember these developmental stages of
children and their clothing. Some of you could end up
saving money during the back-to-school-clothes buying
season.
Stage 1 (birth to 3 years old): Your children will wear anything you put on them. Enjoy dressing them while you can.
Stage 2 (ages 3-5): Although your children have clothing preferences, they will still wear the things you pick out—but only if you beg.
Stage 3 (ages 5-7): Your children have definite clothing preferences. You will end up donating unworn clothes to local charities if you don’t take your kids shopping with you.
Stage 4 (ages 7+): Your children’s clothing preferences are generally predictable—they want to wear whatever their friends wear. Try to convince all the parents in your area to shop somewhere inexpensive...Complete essay available upon request
Stage 1 (birth to 3 years old): Your children will wear anything you put on them. Enjoy dressing them while you can.
Stage 2 (ages 3-5): Although your children have clothing preferences, they will still wear the things you pick out—but only if you beg.
Stage 3 (ages 5-7): Your children have definite clothing preferences. You will end up donating unworn clothes to local charities if you don’t take your kids shopping with you.
Stage 4 (ages 7+): Your children’s clothing preferences are generally predictable—they want to wear whatever their friends wear. Try to convince all the parents in your area to shop somewhere inexpensive...Complete essay available upon request
Staying in the Lines
Category:
Parenting - Teen Years
...It wasn’t the sort of telephone call you ever want
to get—especially when you’re only a Sophomore in
college. “Freddie was killed in a car accident Saturday
night.” So said the voice on the other end of the
phone. I was shocked, but not surprised. In fact, it
almost seemed natural—inevitable. I was told that
Freddie, out drinking with his college fraternity
brothers, drove the family Chevy Super Sport—which I
had always admired and envied—into a freeway guard rail
and impaled himself. Once again, Freddie hadn’t stayed
within the lines...Complete
essay available upon request
Of Kisses and Barking Dogs
Category:
Couples & Marriage |
Family Life - General
...Some stages of life are harder on marital intimacy
than others. I have been known to ask couples inquiring
about marriage counseling, “So, how old is your
two-year-old?” I’m often right about their stage of
life and so my question gets a good laugh. Experience
has taught me that the warranty on marital intimacy
expires when the first baby hits the two-year mark.
This personal theory is supported by research studies
demonstrating that following the birth of a first
child, marital satisfaction declines precipitously for
about 70 percent of couples...Complete
essay available upon request
Why You Should Try to Charm Your Spouse
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...Without charm to help resolve differences in needs
and desires, marriage is just a series of negotiations.
Such a marriage may be balanced and fair, but it can
also be lifeless. Charm is a lively and fun way of
dealing with differences. Charm is charm only when the
result is positive and voluntary. If I try to charm my
wife into watching a silly movie with me, I must be
prepared to accept no for an answer. And for my wife to
experience me as charming rather than pushy or
manipulative, she must feel like she has the right and
the power to say no. Ironically, my wife is able to
resist my charms, but often says no in such a charming
way that I end up willingly going along with her wishes
instead of mine. That proves I have not only met my
match when it comes to charm—I have met (and married)
my superior...Complete
essay available upon request
Predicting Your Child's Future
Category: Parenting
- General
...Only when I look back can I see the forces that have
shaped my children’s interests and choices over the
years. Someday, when Summer and Ryan are well into
their careers, I may look back and it will seem as
though they were both destined to be exactly what they
are. And maybe, if someone knew enough about my two
high school classmates and me, what seemed like an
impossible coincidence wouldn’t seem quite so
impossible...
Complete essay available upon request
Complete essay available upon request
The Power of Positive Memories
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...Shared positive memories are the glue of good
relationships and have the power to mend broken ones.
It isn’t easy to remember good times when you’re
emotionally frazzled. And it can be risky to bring up
cherished moments when you’re not sure how your partner
will respond. But positive memories can be a powerful
source of comfort capable of moving troubled couples
along the path toward renewed trust, commitment,
intimacy and joy. Happy Valentine’s Day...Complete
essay available upon request
Family Time: Getting from Planner to Participant
Category: Parenting
- General
...The problem is that the kind of calm and
uninterrupted family times parents nostalgically
remember and desire for their children are extremely
difficult to create nowadays. There just doesn’t seem
to be enough time for family time. Parents end up
feeling disappointed and guilty for working so much,
for taking any time at all for themselves, and even for
putting the kids into bed at an early hour. But
according to the researchers, quantity of time isn’t
the problem...Complete
essay available upon request
Raising Honest Children
Category: Parenting
- General
We parents want our children to grow up believing they
are trusted. But what about those times we catch our
children dancing around the edges of honesty or flat
out lying to us? Here are three techniques I used to
help my daughter grow in honesty without making her
feel like I questioned her basic
character...Complete
essay available upon request
How to Win an Argument with Your Spouse
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...I believe in arguing with your spouse—in
fighting for your marriage. Disagreements and
arguments are inevitable, but they don’t need to become
angry screaming matches or endlessly tiresome debates
if both spouses are willing to embrace one simple
principle: The purpose of arguing is to
understand each other, not to defeat
each other. Both parties automatically lose if either
expects the argument to end with a winner and a loser
or with one proven right and the other proven wrong.
One of my favorite sayings is: "You can’t be married
and right at the same time"...Complete
essay available upon request
Everyone in the Family Needs a Job
Category:
Family Life - General
...Because of time and energy constraints, a lot of
families embrace the consumer mentality as a group.
Instead of finding ways to help one another in the
kitchen, these consumer-oriented families are more
likely to pick up the telephone and order out. Instead
of washing the car together, these families just send
somebody to the local carwash. Not only do the
individual members miss opportunities to develop
personal character, the whole family misses
opportunities to bond together as a team...Complete
essay available upon request
Getting Past Frustration
Category:
Parenting - Middle Years
...Learning about frustration seemed like a good place
for a boy to begin his lessons in emotion. There’s
something very male about frustration. In my counseling
practice, I’ve heard women use a wonderful variety of
words to identify their feelings. But men tend to
describe a wide range of feelings with one simple word:
frustration. I’ve tried to help men expand their
feeling vocabularies by providing them with printed
lists words such as angry, hurt, afraid, vulnerable and
embarrassed, encouraging them to look over the list and
select the word which best describes the emotion they
are feeling at the moment. Most men look over the list
carefully, then they pick a single word: frustration.
For me, the exercise is entirely, you know,
frustrating...Complete
essay available upon request
The Power of Compassion
Category:
Family Life - General
(Written in response to school shootings) ...Science is
teaching us that when an event causes a message to be
sent to our brain, it is received in two places. One
part of our brain sends out an automatic response over
which we have little or no control; but the other part
of our brain is capable of being influenced by our
beliefs, attitudes and values—those characteristics
which best identify us as spiritual beings. In those
moments when we are in danger of getting stuck in a
destructive state of mind, compassion can intervene and
give us access to new thoughts and feelings as they
emerge inside us. Given greater awareness, we have an
opportunity to act upon the highest and best within
us...Complete
essay available upon request
Coping With Stress
Category:
Family Life - General
...Stress can destroy marriages and families. What does
it take to restore balance when stress driven behavior
is damaging family life? It requires someone willing to
risk rejection—someone willing to speak up about the
problem. This is best done in a way that demonstrates
understanding and support and minimizes personal blame.
After all, stress is the real culprit. This is a team
project. Each person in the family must make it clear
that they are not willing to have their life controlled
by stress and that they are committed to reducing
stress in their own life and in the life of the
family...Complete
essay available upon request
A Good Enough Holiday
Category:
Family Life - General
...The Hallmark version of the family doesn’t exist.
Even “normal” families are difficult. There is no
reason for you to torment yourself by holding your
family up to an ideal that only exists in the world of
imagination. In the real world, we’re all just doing
the best we can with the families we’ve
got...Complete
essay available upon request
Coping with Sibling Rivalry
Category:
Parenting - Middle Years
...Sibling rivalry is the name given to the natural
love-hate relationship among children in a family. The
intensity of sibling rivalry depends on the number and
ages of the children, their age spacing, their genders
and their individual personalities. I’ve talked with
parents who claim there was never any apparent sibling
rivalry between their children. And I’ve talked with
parents in families where intense sibling rivalry
between adolescent boys escalated to the point of
dangerous physical battles and frantic calls to 9-1-1.
In my own family, Summer and Ryan went through a few
different phases of sibling rivalry...
Complete essay available upon request
Complete essay available upon request
More than Equals
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...I believe in equal partnership marriages, but I know
that maintaining 50/50 fairness and a balance of power
is not enough. In the best marriages there is no score
keeping, no tracking of who owes whom, no anxious
monitoring of power. The best marriages are so filled
with mutual affection and admiration, that husbands and
wives gladly give more than their fair share and
fearlessly place themselves in each other’s hands. The
most fulfilling and enduring marriages are equal
partnerships…and more. They are profoundly intimate
friendships in which the greatest joy and satisfaction
is found in giving to each another...Complete
essay available upon request
Kids Activities: A balance of choices and mandates
Category: Parenting
- General
Parents today want their children to participate in a
variety of activities. Most parents like the idea of
presenting new opportunities to their children as
choices. But what about those activities which children
aren’t likely to choose, but which parents believe
would be good for their children’s development? Can
parents know when it’s best to offer a choice and when
it’s best to issue a mandate?...Complete
essay available upon request
A Father’s Day Message for Mothers
Category: Parenting
- General |
Couples & Marriage
Many fathers tell me that as parents, they feel stuck
between a rock and a hard place. Their wives want them
to be more active in the day to day care of the
children, but when these fathers try, they often feel
criticized for having poor parenting skills. I hope
this message speaks the truth for these stuck fathers,
provides some insight for their wives, and motivates
both to move toward equal opportunity
parenting...Complete
essay available upon request
Even Parents Have to Grow Up
Category:
Family Life - General
...At age eighteen children are legally recognized as
adults in our society, but family therapists and
researchers know that the boundaries which define
parent and child roles rarely dissolve before children
are well into their 30's—at the earliest...Complete
essay available upon request
How to Deal With Perpetual Problems
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...There is no cure for perpetual problems, but there
is an effective treatment to prevent perpetual problems
from slowly destroying marriages. The treatment
requires: 1) Naming the problem 2) Maintaining an
ongoing couple dialogue with the problem...Complete
essay available upon request
Healthy Guilt
Category: Parenting
- General
...Guilt is a special kind of anxiety that serves as a
reminder that a family or social value has been
violated. Parents evoke guilt feelings in their
children when they make it clear that a particular
behavior is inappropriate and must be changed in order
to return to the good graces of the family. Some people
think all guilt is unhealthy, but I disagree. I believe
healthy guilt is a warning that some essential life
principle, like love or respect, is at risk. Healthy
guilt is a sign of maturity and moral responsibility.
Children who experience healthy guilt may feel bad
about their behavior, but they don't feel bad about
themselves. Their guilt motivates them to try harder to
behave more lovingly and respectfully...Complete
essay available upon request
An End to Procrastination
Category:
Family Life - General
...In my mind, as long as you’re busy doing important
things in life, you’re not procrastinating. I’m glad
that Susan sometimes challenges my priorities, but I’m
glad she doesn’t accuse me of procrastination. These
days, with so many things to do, I think all of us
ought to lighten up a bit and give our loved ones and
ourselves a break. Let’s end procrastination by taking
it out of our vocabularies. Sometimes you can only do
as much as you can do...Complete
essay available upon request
It’s Not Fair
Category:
Parenting - Middle Years
...Summer is almost three years older than Ryan. One
Halloween she figured out that she could get to more
houses and collect more candy than her younger slower
brother. When we got home from trick or treating that
night, Summer insisted on pouring hers and Ryan’s candy
collections into separate bowls. This exercise revealed
exactly how much more candy Summer had collected than
Ryan. That’s when Susan and I realized that to a young
child, there is only one thing that seems truly fair:
More! Fair is having more than others. Equal is
acceptable, but more is better...Complete
essay available upon request
Learning to See Again
Category:
Family Life - General
...Many of my counseling clients complain that their
lives are so complex and fast paced that they don’t
feel close and connected to their spouses or children
any more. Some couples tell me they feel more like
business partners than lovers; some parents say they
feel more like activity directors than moms or dads. No
one wants to feel disconnected, and most of us would
benefit from simplifying our lives and slowing down,
but major lifestyle changes can’t be accomplished in a
day; and sometimes we feel so overwhelmed or
discouraged that we don’t have enough energy to make
the needed changes. That’s when I will often suggest a
little eye opening experiment which can generate some
positive energy for change. I call it “Learning to See
Again."...Complete
essay available upon request
The Heart of Parenting
Category: Parenting
- General
...There is a natural ambivalence at the heart of
parenting. Although we chose parenthood because we want
to love and nurture children, we know that one our
primary responsibilities as parents is to prepare our
children for life on their own. Therein lies the
ambivalence. Somehow, we’ve got to learn how to hold on
and let go...at the same time...Complete
essay available upon request
Who’s the Smartest?
Category: Parenting
- General | Child
Development
...As much as parents do our best not to compare one
child with another, we can’t prevent them from making
their own comparisons. It’s unrealistic to pretend
there aren’t differences between children; but how can
we acknowledge those differences without diminishing
either child?...Complete
essay available upon request
Father’s Day, Every Day
Category: Parenting
- General
...On Father’s Day, my children will probably give me a
gift, which I’m sure I’ll enjoy receiving; but my
favorite gifts are the ones that don’t come on
designated gift giving days. I like the gifts Summer
and Ryan give me all year long. Let me tell you about
two wonderful gifts I received a few months ago, and
why they are so precious to me...Complete
essay available upon request
A Simple Solution for Family Communication Problems
Category:
Family Life - General
...One day, driving Summer home from school, I started
complaining about our family communications problem. No
sooner had I finished griping when Summer blurted out,
“Quick, Dad, pull over into the shopping center.” I had
no idea what was on her mind, but Summer led me into a
drugstore and found an aisle that featured whiteboards
and marking pens. “Buy one of these, and put it up
right next to the front door,” she said, “then whenever
anyone has any information to be shared, they can write
it down on the board, and we’ll all know where to find
it.”...Complete
essay available upon request
Upgrading Family Activities to Rituals
Category:
Parenting - Teen Years |
Family Life - General
...By the time my children were in junior high and high
school, my connection to them was always changing, like
some sort of emotional kaleidoscope. Feelings of
closeness and distance cycled rapidly—nothing seemed
guaranteed. It seemed like every time a good
conversation began, the telephone would ring with
another teen on the other end of the line; it could be
days before the next opportunity to talk. During that
period of family life, I often felt a deep longing to
return to those simpler times of bedtime stories and
daily drives in the car...Complete
essay available upon request
How to Survive Holiday Negotiations
Category:
Family Life - General
...Family holiday traditions evoke deep feelings in
most of us—of childhood joy and wonder, of family
togetherness and belonging, of family heritage and
loyalty. This makes negotiating differences in family
holiday traditions a significant challenge, especially
for young couples and for remarried couples and their
children. However difficult it may be, every family
unit eventually establishes its own holiday traditions.
This requires negotiating...Complete
essay available upon request
Traits of a Healthy Family (a 3-part series)
(2,600 words in 3 parts)...In every healthy family
there is a natural tension that results from the
family’s attempt to meet two basic needs: 1) People
need togetherness; every healthy family tries to create
a stable place of belonging for each member. 2) People
also need separateness; every healthy family tries to
find ways to enrich and extend itself by encouraging
independence and sending individual members out into
the world. The tension that exists between the forces
of togetherness and separateness—between family
belonging and individual freedom—is perfectly normal
and natural. I use the images of roots and wings to
describe it. Roots suggest togetherness and belonging,
and wings suggest the need for separateness and
individual expression. Healthy families offer roots and
wings…Complete
essay available upon request
When Disappointment is Reassuring
Category: Parenting
- General
(Father's Day)...Parents don’t often think of
disappointment as positive, but I believe it can be an
important sign that one’s children are on moving along
the road to self-discovery and independence—that they
are pursuing their own dreams. That’s the kind of
disappointment which is reassuring. I can live with
that.Complete
essay available upon request
When the Best is Good Enough
Category:
Parenting - Early Years
...Every generation of experienced parents can tell
similar child care stories, and like it or not, odds
are that the expert advice you follow today will one
day be abandoned in favor of something else. So, here’s
my advice from the perspective of a father and family
therapist: Just relax and do the best you can. Don’t
beat yourselves up if you can’t manage to follow every
piece of child care advice you hear from the experts;
it’s more important to keep your own anxiety from
spinning out of control. Emotions are contagious.
Anxious parents will tend to raise anxious children.
Simply do the best you can, then let the rest go...
Complete essay available upon request
Can Marriages Survive Infidelity?
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...Can marriages survive infidelity? Yes. Some survive
infidelity by secrecy and denial. Some survive it by
compromising the values of honesty, loyalty and
equality. And some marriages survive infidelity by
truth, forgiveness and recommitment. The choice is
always ours...Complete
essay available upon request
Aim for Excellence, not Perfection
Category: Parenting
- General
...We all have a secret wish to be perfect, but we must
all learn to gracefully accept something less. It’s
better to aim for excellence rather than perfection.
Susan and I tried to incorporate that philosophy into
our parenting. We praised our children for their
efforts rather than the results of their efforts. We
wanted them to know we were happy with whatever they
achieved, as long as they were trying their best. When
Summer and Ryan were younger, we’d always celebrate the
end of each school grading period by going out for ice
cream. Both kids knew that we’d be celebrating no
matter what grades they received; they didn’t need to
hide their academic shortcomings from us, because we
didn’t expect perfection...Complete
essay available upon request
Marriage Can Improve Your Health
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...Do you know that: 1) Married men and women in all
age groups are less likely to be limited in activity (a
general health indice) due to illness than single,
separated, divorced or widowed individuals. 2) Married
people are also much less likely to become depressed,
suffer from mental illness, abuse alcohol or commit
suicide. 3) Contrary to popular belief, married people
actually have more sex than single people; and although
married couples only have about as much sex as
cohabiting couples, they report higher levels of sexual
satisfaction than either single or cohabiting
couples...Complete
essay available upon request
Motivating Children is Tricky Business
Category: Parenting
- General
...One day when my daughter was in sixth grade, the two
of us were riding in the car when she spoke up and
interrupted my monologue, "Daddy, please quit talking
about houses and buildings. I don't want to hear about
them any more. It makes me not want to be an
architect."...I wanted to motivate Summer by sharing my
own enthusiasm about architecture, but from our
conversation in the car, it was obvious my approach
wasn't working. If the idea of being an architect
genuinely appealed to Summer, why would she threaten me
with giving it up as a way to shut me
up?...Complete
essay available upon request
Don't Ask, Just Tell
Category: Parenting
- General
...I've noticed that, when giving instructions to their
children, many parents end their statements by asking,
"okay?" They say things like, "Come on honey, it's time
for us to go…okay?" or "Mommy needs you to get in the
car right now…okay?" Asking "okay?" changes a command
into a request. What are these parents requesting? Are
they asking for their children's permission? Are they
soliciting their children's approval? Are they offering
their children an opportunity to decide whether or not
to comply?...Complete
essay available upon request
Traveling with Tykes: Survival Tips for Weekend Trips
Category:
Parenting - Middle Years
...It was a spontaneous weekend camping trip. No big
deal—really—but I already knew I had made a serious
mistake. Half-expecting to find a bit of snow in the
mountains, I had tossed our little blue plastic sled
into the camper and asked the kids to pack a warm
change of clothes, just in case. I forgot there is no
such thing as “just in case” with a nine and a
six-year-old...From the moment I had uttered my
suggestion back at home, our trip to the desert
instantly became a sled-riding extravaganza in the
minds of both kids. Playing in the snow was all they
talked about all morning as we drove up into the
mountains—the warm, dry mountains on which there was
not even the slightest suggestion of snow. I knew Susan
and I were in big trouble...
Complete essay available upon request
Complete essay available upon request
Do You Need a Marriage Sponsor?
Category:
Couples & Marriage
...To succeed at marriage, couples need good role
models and positive support from others. I believe
every couple should have marriage sponsors—people they
love and trust who have positive feelings about
marriage in general, and who feel hopeful about them in
particular. Just as godparents volunteer to be caring
and supportive sponsors to a child, marriage sponsors
volunteer to do the same for couples. Traditionally,
this was a role played by parents and parents-in-law,
but others can be marriage sponsors too...Complete
essay available upon request
Loving Children For Who They Are
Category: Parenting
- General | Child
Development
It's only natural for parents to wonder what their
children will be like when they grow up; so when a
child's personality and habits aren't quite what mom
and dad expected, they may worry. I've talked with
parents who were concerned that their child spends too
much time playing alone in his room; and I've talked
with parents who were concerned that their child
doesn't spend enough time playing alone. Parents
sometimes get worried if their younger child doesn't
act like his or her older sibling did at the same age.
And, occasionally I'll see a parent who panics when
their child exhibits some personality quirk which
reminds them of something they don't like about
themselves. Since there's no sure fire way to
distinguish between a budding behavior problem and a
budding personality characteristic, it's only natural
for parents to be concerned...Complete
essay available upon request
Earning Children's Respect
Category:
Parenting - Middle Years
...When parents consult me about their strong willed or
unmanageable child, the first question I usually ask
is: Does your child have this same problem at other
people's homes, at day care or at school? If the answer
is no, that's all the evidence I need to assure them
their child is capable of behaving well. If a child's
problem behaviors only occur at home, I can also be
fairly sure that Mom and Dad are the ones whose
behavior needs to be changed first...Complete
essay available upon request
Computers are People, Too
Category:
Family Life - General | Grandparenting
“Me-maw” lives in a box in my garage. Of course, that
doesn’t make much sense unless you know that my
grandmother, whom I called “Grams,” was renamed
“Me-maw” by her great grandchildren. Please don’t call
9-1-1. My grandmother is not —I repeat,
not—living in a box in my garage. She passed
away in 1986, having lived 89 blessed years on this
earth, leaving a legacy for which I am exceedingly
grateful. Of all her gifts to me, I’m particularly glad
that Me-maw: 1) gave birth to a son, so I could have a
father 2) taught me real Coke and
real butter taste better than their imitators,
and 3) left her family with a crazy sense of humor
which helps us keep things in perspective, and enjoy
life a lot more...Complete
essay available upon request
Nurturing Teen Spirituality
Category:
Parenting - Teen Years | Child
Development
...Teen spirituality doesn’t distinguish clearly
between the symbol and what it symbolizes, between the
tradition and what it celebrates. To teens, the symbol
and the tradition is the reality. Images, symbols and
traditions carry great power whether connected to the
family, religion, or even the high school football
team. Defending family beliefs and practices with
rational arguments misses the point. Teen spirituality,
like that of young children, is still about belonging
more than ideas—it’s about making connections with
others...Complete
essay available upon request
Nurturing Children's Spirituality
...Spiritual growth comes in stages, just like physical
or intellectual growth. Children's spiritual
foundations are formed in infancy, even before
language. Parents can provide a solid spiritual
foundation simply by being sensitive and responsive to
their infant's needs. When infant's needs are met, they
overcome their fears of abandonment, inconsistency or
deprivation. Simple love and care provides a basis for
hope...As children near their second birthdays,
feeling-filled images, representing the protective and
threatening forces in life, take root in their minds.
(Is there any parent of a three-year-old who hasn't
dealt with monsters in the closet?) At this stage,
symbols and stories feed children's active
imaginations. Young children have equal opportunity
imaginations—they don't distinguish between literal and
symbolic truths. Images of monsters, tooth fairies or
God will take hold just as easily as those of dogs,
grandmas or basketball players...Complete
essay available upon request
Dealing with Disasters
Category: Parenting
- General
...When couples decide to have children, they give up
their rights to “white sofa” lives. Children make
mistakes, have accidents, and do damage—it’s a natural
part of growing up. The responsibility of parents is to
teach their children without heaping damage upon
damage...Complete
essay available upon request
Mom! My Teacher Doesn’t Like Me
Category: Parenting
- General
...Summer was being absolutely honest and sincere, but
Susan and I knew we were in danger of being caught in a
triangle. We were in no position to take Summer’s side
without hearing the teacher’s perspective; neither were
we in a position to reassure Summer the teacher didn’t
hate her. The teacher’s side of story needed to be
heard—by Summer more than us. So we set up a meeting.
Summer didn’t like the idea, but Susan and I promised
we’d be there, knowing our presence would lessen
Summer’s fears, making it easier for her to express
herself clearly and hear what her teacher had to
say...Complete
essay available upon request
Raising Responsible Children
Category:
Parenting - Early Years
...Although children are born with the ability to make
messes, they’re not born with the ability to act
responsibly. Mix any two-year-old with a big box of
ribbon and you’ll get the same results we got. This is
nothing for parents to be surprised by or upset about.
But don’t expect your two year old to straighten up his
messes without being instructed. It takes a higher
level of maturity to recognize the benefits of a
picked-up house and organized possessions. And it takes
a higher level of maturity to recognize that it isn’t
fair to make a mess and leave it for someone else to
clean up. Young children don’t have this level of
maturity...Complete
essay available upon request
A Gift from Grandma
Category:
Family Life - General | Grandparenting
...I remember well how my mother viewed this
extravagant purchase as a sign Grandma was losing her
reasoning ability—“lost her marbles” is probably the
expression she used in private. Why, out of all the
wonderful things at the redemption store, after months
and months of saving green stamps, would anyone in
their right mind choose to buy toenail clippers, then
give them as a gift?...Complete
essay available upon request
Teaching Uncommon Sense
Category: Parenting
- General
...I couldn’t imagine how Summer knew so much about
grief at such a young age, so I asked if she had
studied grief counseling in school. “No, Dad,” she
laughed, “I learned it from you.”...Learned it from me?
How? When? I felt like I’d just won the Teacher of the
Year award, but didn’t know what I’d done to deserve
the honor. I decided to find out. At my next
opportunity, I asked Summer to tell me more. This is
what I learned about teaching uncommon sense to
children:...
Complete essay available upon request
Complete essay available upon request
Stages of Emotional Development
Category: Child
Development | Parenting
- General
As much as I value scholarly research and writing, it
can be complex and confusing; so I’ve decided to
provide a very simple guide to help parents identify
their child’s stage of emotional development. The guide
is based on my belief that each developmental stage
elicits a particular response in parents...Complete
essay available upon request
When Marriages Get Depressed (a 2-part series)
Category:
Couples & Marriage
(a 2-part series)...In depressed marriages, one or both
partners have symptoms of depression, directly related
to marital stress. Depressed marriages are maintained
by silence and inaction. They improve when both
partners talk openly about their unhappiness, and begin
to make positive changes in their day-to-day
behavior...Complete
essay available upon request
The Great Teen Lock-Out
Category:
Parenting - Teen Years
...It was important for me to teach Summer the
difference between a closed door and a locked door. I
wanted her to understand that, in families,
separateness is an entitlement that is subject to
negotiation. As a teen, she should be learning to ask
for space, and as parents, Susan and I should be
learning to offer her space. Nevertheless, there's a
certain amount of togetherness that is required for
negotiating. The door may be closed, but not locked.
That’s because togetherness is also an entitlement in
families. And every person in the family–including the
leaders of the evil parental empire–is entitled to ask
for togetherness, and receive it, even if only for the
purpose of negotiating separateness...Complete
essay available upon request
Christmas in the Land of OZ
Category: Parenting
- General
...No one ever warns parents how different it’s going
to feel when they’re the ones in charge of creating the
mystery and wonder...Putting on the show is a different
experience than watching the show– maybe for the same
reason food always tastes better when other people cook
it. When you have children, it’s like signing on to be
a perpetual member of the production cast. The members
of the cast always know how Peter Pan flies and where
the magician hides. And in families that celebrate
Christmas, parents always know who eats the cookie and
drinks the glass of milk left out for Santa...
Complete essay available upon request
Complete essay available upon request
Reframing: Offering Children a New Perspective
Category: Parenting
- General
...I'd rather have a fast brain than fast legs in
today's world. That's what I'd tell Ryan when he got
discouraged about keeping up with the other boys on the
playing field. I started calling him a "head-shredder."
It seemed particularly appropriate after watching Ryan
use his speedy brain to help his elementary school
Science Olympiad team win three straight championships.
Kids like to think of themselves as fast. Ryan liked
the idea he was a speedy head-shredder...Sometimes
children need their parents to offer them a different
way to look at themselves...Complete
essay available upon request
Surviving the First Day of School
Category:
Parenting - Early Years
...The first day of school is a major letting-go
experience for parents. On that day, parents wear their
ambivalence like PTA nametags. If I hold on too long,
will my child think school is something scary? If I let
go too soon, will my child think I don't care about his
fears? Sometimes a perfunctory hug and hurried
departure is followed by a dam-burst of tears once Mom
is alone in the car. Sometimes brightly spoken words of
encouragement are followed by moist-eyed backward
glances as Dad tries to catch one last look at fresh
clean clothes and brand new sneakers disappearing
behind the school bus door. Letting go is
excruciatingly painful—and absolutely
necessary...Complete
essay available upon request
Brothers and Sisters: Does Familiarity Breed Contempt?
Category:
Parenting - Middle Years
...We parents are naturally concerned about our
children's feelings for one another. We can't help
wondering, "Do they really love each other?" We can ask
them, of course, but it only invites responses like,
"What? Love that brat? No way."...To ease one's mind,
it helps to pay close attention to the good as well as
the bad and the ugly; it's so easy to miss the good.
How many parents go running in response to their
children's cries of joy and laughter? Usually what gets
our attention is fighting—very real and intense
displays of anger, jealousy and greed. "Mom! Dad! She
won't let me watch my favorite program...He won't share
his gum...He hit me first...Tell her to stop
it!"...Complete
essay available upon request
Understanding Teen Talk
Category:
Parenting - Teen Years
...It should come as no surprise to parents that
language often indicates a new stage of development.
Remember the experience of hearing your baby say "mama"
or "dada" for the first time? What a thrill to know
your child is now able to recognize you as a person.
But hearing your adolescent put the word "like" at the
beginning of every sentence is another kind of thrill.
When your son or daughter begins using the "L-word" all
the time, it's a sure indication he or she will soon be
trying to forget who you are. Now, that's a
thrill!...Complete
essay available upon request
Being Friends with Your Children
Category: Parenting
- General
...I think parents should be authoritative friends to
their children. An authoritative friend is someone
whose unassailable character and good-hearted
intentions are inspiring. Such a friend does not make
you do things; they make you want to do
things. The wisest and most powerful parents I know are
people whose strength of character and loving actions
are obvious to their children. These parents behave in
ways that demonstrate they are comfortable with who
they are and determined be the best people they can be.
Their children see this, and they respect their parents
for it. These parents, simply by being themselves, have
a great deal of influence over their
children...Complete
essay available upon request
"He’s With You, Isn’t He?"
Category:
Parenting - Early Years
...I am, by nature and training, able to remain calm in
most emotionally charged situations; but when a careful
search of the immediate area failed to turn up little
Ryan, unsettling emotions started welling up inside me.
The longer we searched unsuccessfully, the more I
feared something awful happened. Did someone take my
child?...
Complete essay available upon request
Family Decision Making
Category:
Family Life - General
...What impressed me was the effortless grace with
which a decision was made. It amazed me that a
leaderless group of people ranging from 3 years old to
76 years old, who had only been together a couple of
times over the last 15 years, could so quickly and
easily reach a consensus and take action; especially
since the decision was about food, something dear to
every one of them...Many families can't do this. Since
group decision making is something my family does well,
I thought some readers would be interested to know how
it works...Complete
essay available upon request
A Very Embarrassing Christmas Eve
Category:
Parenting - Early Years | Child
Development
...Children seem to have a sixth sense about the timing
of their exclamations; they always hit at precisely the
most embarrassing possible moment. And as early as they
can talk in sentences, children choose the most
embarrassing words to say at that precisely timed
moment. We experienced parents have all felt the glare
of the public eye cast upon us when our little ones
deliver their exclamations...Complete
essay available upon request
Uncovering New Parenting Solutions
Category: Parenting
- General
...There is, however, a lesser know but effective
alternative for finding solutions. In this approach,
parents focus their attention on identifying what was
happening at the point there wasn't a problem. Using my
example, something must have been happening which
enabled my children to "not fight" before they began to
fight. Something was happening which enabled my kids to
keep their hands to themselves. What was it? Maybe
there was a lively family conversation going on before
the fighting began. If so, re-engaging the kids in a
conversation would be a good solution to try. Maybe the
kids were getting along better when they were excited
about arriving at our destination. Since we were
returning home, maybe we could think of something
exciting they could expect upon our arrival back home.
It is surprising how many parents overlook the fact
that problem-free times can hold the key to some
excellent solutions...Complete
essay available upon request
What Do You Tell The Children?
Category: Parenting
- General
What do you tell your five-year-old daughter when her
beloved grandpa is diagnosed with a terminal illness?
What do you say to your fourteen-year old son when
marriage tensions have you and your spouse sleeping in
separate rooms? How much do you share with your
ten-year-old daughter when your income drops and you
can no longer afford her dance lessons?...Complete
essay available upon request
How My Children Put a Stop to Teasing
Category:
Parenting - Middle Years
...The technique almost always works whenever Summer or
Ryan feels picked on, bullied or teased (usually by
each other). It keeps fights from becoming physical.
All you have to do is look the aggressor in the eye,
with a mean look on your face, and say, "STOP IT!",
with fierce conviction and absolute resolve. Summer and
Ryan seem to believe that shouting it at the top of
your lungs helps; I'm not sure volume is important if
the resolve is there. Getting the veins to stick out on
your neck adds a nice touch if you have that talent.
The bottom line is that you must mean it; if you don't,
even good veins won't help...Complete
essay available upon request
Teaching with Silence
Category:
Parenting - Middle Years
...Far too often we parents try to nag our children
into hurrying up, eating right, cleaning their rooms,
etc. We waste thousands of words trying to impress upon
them that which they already know, but for whatever
reason, choose not to act upon. Our nagging doesn't
teach. Our nagging just escalates a power
struggle...Complete
essay available upon request
Options: Every Little Girl Needs a Truck
Category:
Parenting - Early Years
...When our daughter, Summer, was born, Susan and I
decided that we would expose her to things typically
associated with boys as well as things typically
associated with girls. We wanted our daughter to be
able to choose from a variety of options—not just those
considered appropriate for girls in our society. Susan
and I didn't want society's notions to limit
Summer...Complete
essay available upon request
A Father Learns to Let Go
Category: Parenting
- General
(Father's Day)...Among my personal treasures is a
tattered copy of a letter written by my father in 1969.
Dad wrote the letter in support of me when I took a
public moral stand on an issue about which he and I did
not agree. His letter inspires me, because it reflects
a love that knows how to hold close and how to let go.
This is the kind of love that cultivates emotional
maturity...Complete
essay available upon request
Lessons Learned from Pinocchio
Category:
Parenting - Early Years
...Self-discovery is a lifelong process. One of the
most exciting stages is when our children reach about
four years of age and begin to develop self-awareness.
Before then, as infants, children are more puppet-like,
acting and being acted upon without conscious
reflection. With the "terrible two's," independence and
choice making increase, but are motivated by the desire
to get what they want. They live in a Pleasure Island
world. Two and three-year-olds can't fully understand
Mom's and Dad's Jiminy Cricket-like appeals for
civility and responsibility...Complete
essay available upon request
No Dragons Allowed
Category:
Parenting - Early Years
..."Oh, I know what you need then," I said with
authority as I ran out of Ryan's room. I grabbed the
first piece of paper I saw, folded in into a small
square, then quickly drew a picture of a dragon on
it...I drew a full circle around the dragon and a heavy
line across it, like on the street signs. I ran back
into his room. "Here Ryan, look at this—NO DRAGONS
ALLOWED! Take this sign to bed with you and it should
take care of those scary dreams."...Complete
essay available upon request
How to Show Your Kids You Really Mean It
Category: Parenting
- General
...It's obvious that no child is going to adjust his
behavior for a giggling parent. Neither is a child
going to respond to us if we seem too tired or too
timid to enforce the rules we expect them to follow.
When it comes to enforcement, we parents have to be
convincing. Unfortunately many of us parents don't know
how to clearly demonstrate to our children that we
really mean it. We don't know how to get our children
to do what we want them to do...Complete
essay available upon request
A Home Remedy for Exhaustion
Category:
Parenting - Middle Years
...Being a responsible parent involves awareness and
empathy. Exhaustion is an enemy of both. Exhaustion can
prevent us from seeing past our own needs. Believe me,
I know the needs of exhausted parents are very real;
nevertheless, as responsible parents we must sometimes
make an extraordinary effort to see past our own needs
to the needs of our children. The extra effort does not
always add to our exhaustion. Sometimes it restores and
renews us with the endless energy of
love...Complete
essay available upon request
No Two Children are Alike
Category: Parenting
- General
...As a proud parent, I would say both Summer and Ryan
have good social skills and show independence
appropriate for their ages. Their differences are not a
matter of ability; their differences simply reflect
different preferences. They consistently choose
differently. Ryan is attracted to the world of people
and things. Summer is attracted to the world of beauty
and ideas. Their behavior is understandable, given
their preferences...It is my hope that we parents learn
to encourage our children as they discover their own
special nature, accept our children as unique human
beings, and love them for who they are...Complete
essay available upon request
