Family Life - General
How is Technology Affecting Your Family?
… When each person in a family has a cell phone,
people call that individual rather than their house
or family. Susan and I are only a household of two,
but if we disconnect our landline, people can no
longer call us; they’ll be forced to choose between
calling me or calling Susan. That choice changes
things. For example, now when my father-in-law calls
our home phone to speak with Susan, I often chat with
him briefly before handing over the phone; if Susan
isn’t home when her dad calls, I talk with him
longer. If we disconnect our home phone, I’m sure
he’ll call Susan’s cell phone rather than mine, and
we’ll talk less often. Disconnecting the shared phone
will nudge us a little farther apart...Complete
essay available upon request
A Little Craziness Relieves Stress
...When Bri and I were dancing and singing to
“Surfin’ Bird,” I was momentarily free from the
stresses of my life and Bri was learning that it’s OK
for people of all ages to engage in an occasional
spontaneous outburst of enthusiasm. A little
craziness not only relieves stress, it adds joy to
life. Even better, it can wear down a three-year-old
to the point of taking a nap...Complete
essay available upon request
The Year We Saved Christmas
...The most remarkable thing was that Christmas
morning felt just like it does every year. No one
seemed to care that our fireplace was a wall mounted
TV tuned to the fireplace channel, that our stockings
were hanging from an entertainment console, or that
our tree was a scraggly fig instead of a noble fir.
Our family Christmas celebration felt remarkably and
wonderfully normal. I wouldn't have changed anything
even if I could...Complete
essay available upon request
An Uncommon Thanksgiving List
A hat and a sofa are on the list of things for which
I’m thankful. Let me tell you how these two unlikely
things became important to me, and maybe you’ll think
of some uncommon items that belong on your own
Thanksgiving list...Complete
essay available upon request
Shaping a Positive Family Future
...Even difficult experiences like the death of a
parent or a divorce can lead a family to tap new and
valuable resources, then pass what they learn on to
the next generation. The final outcome depends on
what the next generation does with that legacy. Look
back through several generations of your family. You
will likely discover that your family has taken many
forms. You will also likely discover that every
family experience, both positive and negative, has
taught something valuable...Complete
essay available upon request
Gatherings that help everybody “feel like family”
Family gatherings strengthen feelings of identity and
belonging, but parents don’t always agree on the kind
of family gatherings they want to provide for their
children...Complete
essay available upon request
Everybody Needs a Good Fantasy
Everybody needs a good fantasy. If it wasn’t for my
surfing fantasies, I might not have moved all the way
to California for graduate school; and I probably
wouldn’t have risked leaving Washington State to
start all over in Southern California. Those efforts
were, in part, fueled by dreams of sunshine and
perfect waves. Fantasies are great motivators as long
as you: 1) know when to keep them to yourself and 2)
don’t let them totally warp your sense of
reality...Complete
essay available upon request
Making Do
...We’re all going to have to adjust our expectations
and figure out how to “make do” with less. Rather
than see “making do” as a bad thing, I propose that
we all view it as an opportunity to expand our
creativity, flexibility, and
resourcefulness...Complete
essay available upon request
Families in Business Together
When a family owns and operates a business, family
issues and business issues intertwine making it
necessary to consider both the needs of family and
the needs of the business whenever any problems
arise...Complete
essay available upon request
A Fresh Look at Life
...Fortunately, one of the best sources of positive
emotional experiences for adults comes from looking
at life through the eyes of children. It turns out
that our own children and grandchildren are one
source of the very thing we need to give them what
they need. That comes in handy when our own zest for
life is depleted. I’ve found some things in life that
no longer excite me or hold my interest can regain
some of their original freshness and luster if I view
them through the eyes of a child...Complete
essay available upon request
Adjusting to Changes in the Family
...The meaning of Ryan’s message was clear. He was
feeling rejected and alone since his big sister had
become a teenager. I had already noticed our cozy
times of family togetherness were yielding to
every-man-for-himself assertions of individuality. At
an earlier stage of family development it was safe to
assume the whole family would eat dinner together;
but now, I often found myself having to coax my
daughter into eating with the rest of us. Now that
Summer was a teen, she seemed to prefer any activity
with friends to any activity with
family...Complete
essay available upon request
Family Types: Is Yours Healthy?
...Finding a family style that works well can be
quite challenging if you or your spouse grew up in an
unhealthy family or if you grew up in healthy
families that were significantly different. A better
understanding of family types can make the task a bit
easier. In the end, you will know you succeeded if
you create a family in which everyone feels
understood and loved. The rest is just a matter of
style...Complete
essay available upon request
Will Our Children Have Faith?
(1,690 words)...We parents decide how our children
will be nurtured and educated. Not all parents have a
connection to organized religion, but all parents
want their children to develop a sense of meaning and
purpose in life and to be rooted in deeply held
values that guide their behavior. We all hope our
children will discover what matters most in life and
will put their whole hearts into it. That is what
faith is all about. Faith is a lifelong journey
toward understanding, appreciating and living out
one’s highest vision of life. We parents hope
our children's faith will deepen and mature with
every new life experience...Complete
essay available upon request
How Divorce Affects Children
...If your parents divorced during your childhood,
even if you grew up to be a happy and successful
adult, you may still sense a difference between you
and your peers whose parents stayed married. It’s a
difference you may find hard to put into
words...Complete
essay available upon request
TV or Not TV: Is That the Question?
...But by the time Summer was 13 and Ryan was 10,
Susan and I were concerned about the number of hours
they sat in front of the TV. Would television destroy
their desire to read? Should we pull the plug on the
boob tube? Susan and I decided to monitor our family
viewing habits for a week so we’d have some data for
our deliberations...Complete
essay available upon request
A Relationship Called Forgiveness
...Genuine forgiveness doesn't draw a sharp
distinction between who is doing the forgiving and
who is the one being forgiven because it recognizes
that few situations are so black and white that
anyone is 100 percent without fault. Only the
forgiven can forgive. Genuine forgiving always
involves one forgiven human being standing in
fellowship with another forgiven human being. It
requires humility. It mends broken relationships by
reminding everyone involved of their own fallibility
and need for one another’s compassion and
love...Complete
essay available upon request
A Gift Everyone Needs…And Can Afford to Give
... I answered the office phone. "Hello, this is
Steve Meineke."
"Hi," said a tiny sounding voice, "can you talk with me?"
"Well, I can talk for a minute," I said hesitantly, unsure whether the tiny voice was that of a child, an upset adult calling for counseling, or a crank caller pretending to be a child.
"Were you trying to reach someone in particular?" I asked.
"No, I was just calling numbers," said the tiny voice. "Are you sure you can only talk for a minute?...Complete essay available upon request
"Hi," said a tiny sounding voice, "can you talk with me?"
"Well, I can talk for a minute," I said hesitantly, unsure whether the tiny voice was that of a child, an upset adult calling for counseling, or a crank caller pretending to be a child.
"Were you trying to reach someone in particular?" I asked.
"No, I was just calling numbers," said the tiny voice. "Are you sure you can only talk for a minute?...Complete essay available upon request
Being Thankful for Whatever Is
...What if questions are interesting and
sometimes they can guide us make better choices in
the future. But there is one big problem with
what if questions: They can keep us from
being thankful for whatever
is...Complete
essay available upon request
Father vs. Son Competition
...Dad really wanted that point. For his courageous
effort, he only managed to dink the ball back over. I
put it away with authority. My point. Dad picked
himself up, tar covered pebbles falling from bloodied
impressions on his elbows and knees. The look on his
face—a resigned smile—told me something had changed
between us. That day, on the tennis court, I was his
father. But I was better prepared for my victory than
for Dad's defeat. I felt great and terrible,
triumphant and afraid...Complete
essay available upon request
Helping Your Family Stick Together
Children (and grownups too) want to know: Who am I?
Where do I come from? To whom do I belong? These are
weighty questions, but parents don’t need to be
theologians or philosophers to respond helpfully.
When children wonder about identity and belonging,
they are usually concerned more about their place in
the family than their place in the cosmos. You can
help them feel more secure about who they are and
where they belong by telling them your family story.
Here are some thoughts and ideas to help
you...Complete
essay available upon request
The Importance of Family Rituals
...Even though we sometimes went out for ice cream
other than at report card time, those outings were
never special like the times we went to Baskin
Robbins to celebrate the end of a grading period. I
am absolutely convinced that one reason my children
did well in school is because they felt part of a
family that cared about education and regularly
celebrated that family value every time we conducted
the report card/ice cream ritual...Complete
essay available upon request
Tidings of Comfort and Joy
...Conscientious parents can’t help but wonder how
their children’s attitudes and values are being
shaped by holiday advertising hype and displays of
unrestrained materialism. One year, I went through
the frustrating process of searching all over town
for a Cabbage Patch Doll to give my daughter for
Christmas. The ordeal led me to ask myself the
following questions: Should I allow aggressive
marketing to dictate my daughter’s toy preferences?
Should I allow short supplies of the coveted prize to
dictate the amount of time I spend searching for it?
At what point should I declare the doll search
“holiday madness” and myself an overly indulgent
parent for succumbing to it? Before I tell you how I
handled the situation, let me offer a brief history
lesson to help you understand my
decision...Complete
essay available upon request
Of Kisses and Barking Dogs
...Some stages of life are harder on marital intimacy
than others. I have been known to ask couples
inquiring about marriage counseling, “So, how old is
your two-year-old?” I’m often right about their stage
of life and so my question gets a good laugh.
Experience has taught me that the warranty on marital
intimacy expires when the first baby hits the
two-year mark. This personal theory is supported by
research studies demonstrating that following the
birth of a first child, marital satisfaction declines
precipitously for about 70 percent of
couples...Complete
essay available upon request
Everyone in the Family Needs a Job
...Because of time and energy constraints, a lot of
families embrace the consumer mentality as a group.
Instead of finding ways to help one another in the
kitchen, these consumer-oriented families are more
likely to pick up the telephone and order out.
Instead of washing the car together, these families
just send somebody to the local carwash. Not only do
the individual members miss opportunities to develop
personal character, the whole family misses
opportunities to bond together as a
team...Complete
essay available upon request
The Power of Compassion
(Written in response to school shootings) ...Science
is teaching us that when an event causes a message to
be sent to our brain, it is received in two places.
One part of our brain sends out an automatic response
over which we have little or no control; but the
other part of our brain is capable of being
influenced by our beliefs, attitudes and values—those
characteristics which best identify us as spiritual
beings. In those moments when we are in danger of
getting stuck in a destructive state of mind,
compassion can intervene and give us access to new
thoughts and feelings as they emerge inside us. Given
greater awareness, we have an opportunity to act upon
the highest and best within us...Complete
essay available upon request
Coping With Stress
...Stress can destroy marriages and families. What
does it take to restore balance when stress driven
behavior is damaging family life? It requires someone
willing to risk rejection—someone willing to speak up
about the problem. This is best done in a way that
demonstrates understanding and support and minimizes
personal blame. After all, stress is the real
culprit. This is a team project. Each person in the
family must make it clear that they are not willing
to have their life controlled by stress and that they
are committed to reducing stress in their own life
and in the life of the family...Complete
essay available upon request
A Good Enough Holiday
...The Hallmark version of the family doesn’t exist.
Even “normal” families are difficult. There is no
reason for you to torment yourself by holding your
family up to an ideal that only exists in the world
of imagination. In the real world, we’re all just
doing the best we can with the families we’ve
got...Complete
essay available upon request
Even Parents Have to Grow Up
...At age eighteen children are legally recognized as
adults in our society, but family therapists and
researchers know that the boundaries which define
parent and child roles rarely dissolve before
children are well into their 30's—at the
earliest...Complete
essay available upon request
An End to Procrastination
...In my mind, as long as you’re busy doing important
things in life, you’re not procrastinating. I’m glad
that Susan sometimes challenges my priorities, but
I’m glad she doesn’t accuse me of procrastination.
These days, with so many things to do, I think all of
us ought to lighten up a bit and give our loved ones
and ourselves a break. Let’s end procrastination by
taking it out of our vocabularies. Sometimes you can
only do as much as you can do...Complete
essay available upon request
Learning to See Again
...Many of my counseling clients complain that their
lives are so complex and fast paced that they don’t
feel close and connected to their spouses or children
any more. Some couples tell me they feel more like
business partners than lovers; some parents say they
feel more like activity directors than moms or dads.
No one wants to feel disconnected, and most of us
would benefit from simplifying our lives and slowing
down, but major lifestyle changes can’t be
accomplished in a day; and sometimes we feel so
overwhelmed or discouraged that we don’t have enough
energy to make the needed changes. That’s when I will
often suggest a little eye opening experiment which
can generate some positive energy for change. I call
it “Learning to See Again."...Complete
essay available upon request
A Simple Solution for Family Communication Problems
...One day, driving Summer home from school, I
started complaining about our family communications
problem. No sooner had I finished griping when Summer
blurted out, “Quick, Dad, pull over into the shopping
center.” I had no idea what was on her mind, but
Summer led me into a drugstore and found an aisle
that featured whiteboards and marking pens. “Buy one
of these, and put it up right next to the front
door,” she said, “then whenever anyone has any
information to be shared, they can write it down on
the board, and we’ll all know where to find
it.”...Complete
essay available upon request
Upgrading Family Activities to Rituals
...By the time my children were in junior high and
high school, my connection to them was always
changing, like some sort of emotional kaleidoscope.
Feelings of closeness and distance cycled
rapidly—nothing seemed guaranteed. It seemed like
every time a good conversation began, the telephone
would ring with another teen on the other end of the
line; it could be days before the next opportunity to
talk. During that period of family life, I often felt
a deep longing to return to those simpler times of
bedtime stories and daily drives in the
car...Complete
essay available upon request
How to Survive Holiday Negotiations
...Family holiday traditions evoke deep feelings in
most of us—of childhood joy and wonder, of family
togetherness and belonging, of family heritage and
loyalty. This makes negotiating differences in family
holiday traditions a significant challenge,
especially for young couples and for remarried
couples and their children. However difficult it may
be, every family unit eventually establishes its own
holiday traditions. This requires
negotiating...Complete
essay available upon request
Traits of a Healthy Family (a 3-part series)
(2,600 words in 3 parts)...In every healthy family
there is a natural tension that results from the
family’s attempt to meet two basic needs: 1) People
need togetherness; every healthy family tries to
create a stable place of belonging for each member.
2) People also need separateness; every healthy
family tries to find ways to enrich and extend itself
by encouraging independence and sending individual
members out into the world. The tension that exists
between the forces of togetherness and
separateness—between family belonging and individual
freedom—is perfectly normal and natural. I use the
images of roots and wings to describe it. Roots
suggest togetherness and belonging, and wings suggest
the need for separateness and individual expression.
Healthy families offer roots and wings…Complete
essay available upon request
Computers are People, Too
“Me-maw” lives in a box in my garage. Of course, that
doesn’t make much sense unless you know that my
grandmother, whom I called “Grams,” was renamed
“Me-maw” by her great grandchildren. Please don’t
call 9-1-1. My grandmother is not —I repeat,
not—living in a box in my garage. She passed
away in 1986, having lived 89 blessed years on this
earth, leaving a legacy for which I am exceedingly
grateful. Of all her gifts to me, I’m particularly
glad that Me-maw: 1) gave birth to a son, so I could
have a father 2) taught me real Coke and
real butter taste better than their
imitators, and 3) left her family with a crazy sense
of humor which helps us keep things in perspective,
and enjoy life a lot more...Complete
essay available upon request
A Gift from Grandma
...I remember well how my mother viewed this
extravagant purchase as a sign Grandma was losing her
reasoning ability—“lost her marbles” is probably the
expression she used in private. Why, out of all the
wonderful things at the redemption store, after
months and months of saving green stamps, would
anyone in their right mind choose to buy toenail
clippers, then give them as a gift?...Complete
essay available upon request
Family Decision Making
...What impressed me was the effortless grace with
which a decision was made. It amazed me that a
leaderless group of people ranging from 3 years old
to 76 years old, who had only been together a couple
of times over the last 15 years, could so quickly and
easily reach a consensus and take action; especially
since the decision was about food, something dear to
every one of them...Many families can't do this.
Since group decision making is something my family
does well, I thought some readers would be interested
to know how it works...Complete
essay available upon request
