Parenting - Middle Years
The Truth About Santa
If you raise your children to believe in Santa Claus,
will they stop trusting you when they learn the
truth? Will they wonder what else Mom and Dad have
been fibbing about? Not likely. Children perceive
truth differently than adults. I learned that lesson
from my son, Ryan, when he was six years
old...Complete
essay available upon request
Is My Child Ready for School?
Parents decide when to start their children in
school. Most make the choice based on school district
age guidelines. But what if parents aren’t sure their
child is ready? It can be a tough call to make as my
wife and I found out...Complete
essay available upon request
A Remedy for Morning Mystery Illness
Children sometimes get sick at the most inconvenient
times. Typically it’s on a school day and you’re
already running late for work or an appointment, when
right in the midst of the morning
get-up-and-get-going frenzy, your sweet little cherub
looks up at you and announces, “Mommy (Daddy), I
don’t feel good.”...Complete
essay available upon request
The Adult Truth About Child Truth
...It would be less confusing for parents if young
children always told the adult truth. But they don't.
Sometimes the best parents can do is acknowledge what
their children say, knowing they’ll never know
exactly what their children mean. I believe that
parents who understand and appreciate child truth
communicate acceptance to their children. Parents who
fail to understand and appreciate child truth can
inadvertently communicate negative judgment. A young
child’s creativity and self-esteem can be diminished
if parents regularly say things like, “What are you
talking about?” or “That can’t be right” or “That
doesn’t make sense.”...Complete
essay available upon request
When Fathers Turn Fun into Fear
...Some fathers intentionally push their sons to the
edge of fear, hoping the experience will be memorable
and aid the development of courage. But engaging
children in this way can have negative consequences.
To point out some of the possible negative
consequences, I offer this fictional letter, written
from the point of view of a young son...Complete
essay available upon request
Matter-of-Fact Parenting
...I believe a matter-of-fact approach keeps parents
from getting caught in a web of negative emotion with
their children. Emotions are contagious. When parents
strongly react to their children’s negative behavior
with fear or anger they wind up delivering long
speeches or making accusations and threats. This is
not only upsetting for everyone; it is also
ineffective. I believe effective parenting involves
1) common sense 2) observations and comments spoken
in a calm matter-of-fact tone, and 3) positive
encouragement...Complete
essay available upon request
How to Deal With Kids’ Crazes
...I's almost instinctual for parents to see Garbage
Pail Kids trading cards and say to their children,
“Why-in-the-world do you want to have anything like
these? Can’t you spend your money on
something worthwhile?” Of course, parents
who dared make such statements were met with, “But
Mom (Dad), everybody…etc.…etc.…etc.” (Whatever
explanation your children offer for wanting GPK cards
doesn’t really matter because the only thing that
really counts is that every other kid has
them.)...Complete
essay available upon request
Getting Past Frustration
...Learning about frustration seemed like a good
place for a boy to begin his lessons in emotion.
There’s something very male about frustration. In my
counseling practice, I’ve heard women use a wonderful
variety of words to identify their feelings. But men
tend to describe a wide range of feelings with one
simple word: frustration. I’ve tried to help men
expand their feeling vocabularies by providing them
with printed lists words such as angry, hurt, afraid,
vulnerable and embarrassed, encouraging them to look
over the list and select the word which best
describes the emotion they are feeling at the moment.
Most men look over the list carefully, then they pick
a single word: frustration. For me, the exercise is
entirely, you know, frustrating...Complete
essay available upon request
Coping with Sibling Rivalry
...Sibling rivalry is the name given to the natural
love-hate relationship among children in a family.
The intensity of sibling rivalry depends on the
number and ages of the children, their age spacing,
their genders and their individual personalities.
I’ve talked with parents who claim there was never
any apparent sibling rivalry between their children.
And I’ve talked with parents in families where
intense sibling rivalry between adolescent boys
escalated to the point of dangerous physical battles
and frantic calls to 9-1-1. In my own family, Summer
and Ryan went through a few different phases of
sibling rivalry...
Complete essay available upon request
Complete essay available upon request
It’s Not Fair
...Summer is almost three years older than Ryan. One
Halloween she figured out that she could get to more
houses and collect more candy than her younger slower
brother. When we got home from trick or treating that
night, Summer insisted on pouring hers and Ryan’s
candy collections into separate bowls. This exercise
revealed exactly how much more candy Summer had
collected than Ryan. That’s when Susan and I realized
that to a young child, there is only one thing that
seems truly fair: More! Fair is having more than
others. Equal is acceptable, but more is
better...Complete
essay available upon request
Traveling with Tykes: Survival Tips for Weekend Trips
...It was a spontaneous weekend camping trip. No big
deal—really—but I already knew I had made a serious
mistake. Half-expecting to find a bit of snow in the
mountains, I had tossed our little blue plastic sled
into the camper and asked the kids to pack a warm
change of clothes, just in case. I forgot there is no
such thing as “just in case” with a nine and a
six-year-old...From the moment I had uttered my
suggestion back at home, our trip to the desert
instantly became a sled-riding extravaganza in the
minds of both kids. Playing in the snow was all they
talked about all morning as we drove up into the
mountains—the warm, dry mountains on which there was
not even the slightest suggestion of snow. I knew
Susan and I were in big trouble...
Complete essay available upon request
Complete essay available upon request
Earning Children's Respect
...When parents consult me about their strong willed
or unmanageable child, the first question I usually
ask is: Does your child have this same problem at
other people's homes, at day care or at school? If
the answer is no, that's all the evidence I need to
assure them their child is capable of behaving well.
If a child's problem behaviors only occur at home, I
can also be fairly sure that Mom and Dad are the ones
whose behavior needs to be changed
first...Complete
essay available upon request
Nurturing Children's Spirituality
...Spiritual growth comes in stages, just like
physical or intellectual growth. Children's spiritual
foundations are formed in infancy, even before
language. Parents can provide a solid spiritual
foundation simply by being sensitive and responsive
to their infant's needs. When infant's needs are met,
they overcome their fears of abandonment,
inconsistency or deprivation. Simple love and care
provides a basis for hope...As children near their
second birthdays, feeling-filled images, representing
the protective and threatening forces in life, take
root in their minds. (Is there any parent of a
three-year-old who hasn't dealt with monsters in the
closet?) At this stage, symbols and stories feed
children's active imaginations. Young children have
equal opportunity imaginations—they don't distinguish
between literal and symbolic truths. Images of
monsters, tooth fairies or God will take hold just as
easily as those of dogs, grandmas or basketball
players...Complete
essay available upon request
Brothers and Sisters: Does Familiarity Breed Contempt?
...We parents are naturally concerned about our
children's feelings for one another. We can't help
wondering, "Do they really love each other?" We can
ask them, of course, but it only invites responses
like, "What? Love that brat? No way."...To ease one's
mind, it helps to pay close attention to the good as
well as the bad and the ugly; it's so easy to miss
the good. How many parents go running in response to
their children's cries of joy and laughter? Usually
what gets our attention is fighting—very real and
intense displays of anger, jealousy and greed. "Mom!
Dad! She won't let me watch my favorite program...He
won't share his gum...He hit me first...Tell her to
stop it!"...Complete
essay available upon request
How My Children Put a Stop to Teasing
...The technique almost always works whenever Summer
or Ryan feels picked on, bullied or teased (usually
by each other). It keeps fights from becoming
physical. All you have to do is look the aggressor in
the eye, with a mean look on your face, and say,
"STOP IT!", with fierce conviction and absolute
resolve. Summer and Ryan seem to believe that
shouting it at the top of your lungs helps; I'm not
sure volume is important if the resolve is there.
Getting the veins to stick out on your neck adds a
nice touch if you have that talent. The bottom line
is that you must mean it; if you don't, even good
veins won't help...Complete
essay available upon request
Teaching with Silence
...Far too often we parents try to nag our children
into hurrying up, eating right, cleaning their rooms,
etc. We waste thousands of words trying to impress
upon them that which they already know, but for
whatever reason, choose not to act upon. Our nagging
doesn't teach. Our nagging just escalates a power
struggle...Complete
essay available upon request
A Home Remedy for Exhaustion
...Being a responsible parent involves awareness and
empathy. Exhaustion is an enemy of both. Exhaustion
can prevent us from seeing past our own needs.
Believe me, I know the needs of exhausted parents are
very real; nevertheless, as responsible parents we
must sometimes make an extraordinary effort to see
past our own needs to the needs of our children. The
extra effort does not always add to our exhaustion.
Sometimes it restores and renews us with the endless
energy of love...Complete
essay available upon request
