Parenting - Teen Years
Starting a Manners and Morals Conversation
Children get informal lessons in manners and morals
every day. If Mom describes someone’s grocery store
behavior as “inconsiderate” because they block the
aisle with their shopping cart, that’s a mini-lesson
in manners. If Dad says, “That’s wrong” when he
discovers his parked car is damaged and no one left a
note, it’s a mini-lesson in morality. But what if Mom
or Dad intentionally decides to start up a
conversation with the children about manners or
morals? There may be little interest shown,
especially if the children are teens...
Complete essay available upon request
Complete essay available upon request
Better Parent and Teen Conversations
...A good way to avoid the “boring lecture” trap is
for parents to view their teen’s comments and
questions as opportunities to revisit their own past
in search of fresh new observations and insights to
share. Teens can tell when their parents are willing
to explore life alongside them and engage in two-way
conversation... Complete
essay available upon request
Adjusting to Changes in the Family
...The meaning of Ryan’s message was clear. He was
feeling rejected and alone since his big sister had
become a teenager. I had already noticed our cozy
times of family togetherness were yielding to
every-man-for-himself assertions of individuality. At
an earlier stage of family development it was safe to
assume the whole family would eat dinner together;
but now, I often found myself having to coax my
daughter into eating with the rest of us. Now that
Summer was a teen, she seemed to prefer any activity
with friends to any activity with
family...Complete
essay available upon request
Getting From Rules to Moral Character
...The path to moral character is never straight and
is paved with stones that will cause our children to
stumble at times. That’s why it’s important for us to
stand by ready to offer whatever help is needed to
get them through the difficult times. Sometimes we
need to pull out the old rulebook and remind them of
our family expectations; and sometimes we need to sit
back and trust that our children’s inner guidance
system will redirect them without our intervention.
Knowing when to “lay down the law” and when to “back
off” is the mark of a skilled parent...Complete
essay available upon request
Goodbye Summer, Hello Summer
...It wasn’t easy to cope with losing my daughter to
her peer group. I liked the old feeling when Summer
used to hang on my every word. After she turned 13, I
just got left hanging. I liked it better when I held
celebrity status with my daughter, before I became a
persona non grata as long as there was a 13-year-old
within sight. I knew this change was absolutely
normal, natural and necessary, but I didn’t like it a
bit. I missed the days when Summer would go anywhere
and do anything just to be with me...Complete
essay available upon request
Father vs. Son Competition
...Dad really wanted that point. For his courageous
effort, he only managed to dink the ball back over. I
put it away with authority. My point. Dad picked
himself up, tar covered pebbles falling from bloodied
impressions on his elbows and knees. The look on his
face—a resigned smile—told me something had changed
between us. That day, on the tennis court, I was his
father. But I was better prepared for my victory than
for Dad's defeat. I felt great and terrible,
triumphant and afraid...Complete
essay available upon request
It Helps to Have a Parenting Philosophy
...There is no single best parenting philosophy, but
my experience as a family therapist leads me to
caution against the extremes. For example, when
parents grossly underemphasize individual
freedom and overemphasize family belonging,
they usually end up with teens that are compliant but
can’t think for themselves or teens that are
rebellious and reject the family standards. On the
other hand, parents who grossly
underemphasize family belonging and
overemphasize individual freedom usually end
up with teens that look outside the family for a
place to belong. They usually find belonging either
within the fellowship of other lost and unsupervised
teens or in an organized group that—for better or
worse—becomes their surrogate family. Avoid the
extremes when developing your philosophy of
parenting...Complete
essay available upon request
What is Good Sex?
(Valentine's Day)...We should be telling our children
that good sex is something that can only be achieved
in a loving, committed, unselfish and equal
relationship. That takes a lot of time and a lot of
love. But before we can deliver this message with
conviction, we must experience good sex ourselves so
that we can model for our children what a
relationship looks like between two people who are
intimately and affectionately connected. When we
parents are comfortable claiming the title of sex
experts, our children will listen...Complete
essay available upon request
Staying in the Lines
...It wasn’t the sort of telephone call you ever want
to get—especially when you’re only a Sophomore in
college. “Freddie was killed in a car accident
Saturday night.” So said the voice on the other end
of the phone. I was shocked, but not surprised. In
fact, it almost seemed natural—inevitable. I was told
that Freddie, out drinking with his college
fraternity brothers, drove the family Chevy Super
Sport—which I had always admired and envied—into a
freeway guard rail and impaled himself. Once again,
Freddie hadn’t stayed within the lines...Complete
essay available upon request
Upgrading Family Activities to Rituals
...By the time my children were in junior high and
high school, my connection to them was always
changing, like some sort of emotional kaleidoscope.
Feelings of closeness and distance cycled
rapidly—nothing seemed guaranteed. It seemed like
every time a good conversation began, the telephone
would ring with another teen on the other end of the
line; it could be days before the next opportunity to
talk. During that period of family life, I often felt
a deep longing to return to those simpler times of
bedtime stories and daily drives in the
car...Complete
essay available upon request
Nurturing Teen Spirituality
...Teen spirituality doesn’t distinguish clearly
between the symbol and what it symbolizes, between
the tradition and what it celebrates. To teens, the
symbol and the tradition is the reality. Images,
symbols and traditions carry great power whether
connected to the family, religion, or even the high
school football team. Defending family beliefs and
practices with rational arguments misses the point.
Teen spirituality, like that of young children, is
still about belonging more than ideas—it’s about
making connections with others...Complete
essay available upon request
The Great Teen Lock-Out
...It was important for me to teach Summer the
difference between a closed door and a locked door. I
wanted her to understand that, in families,
separateness is an entitlement that is subject to
negotiation. As a teen, she should be learning to ask
for space, and as parents, Susan and I should be
learning to offer her space. Nevertheless, there's a
certain amount of togetherness that is required for
negotiating. The door may be closed, but not locked.
That’s because togetherness is also an entitlement in
families. And every person in the family–including
the leaders of the evil parental empire–is entitled
to ask for togetherness, and receive it, even if only
for the purpose of negotiating
separateness...Complete
essay available upon request
Understanding Teen Talk
...It should come as no surprise to parents that
language often indicates a new stage of development.
Remember the experience of hearing your baby say
"mama" or "dada" for the first time? What a thrill to
know your child is now able to recognize you as a
person. But hearing your adolescent put the word
"like" at the beginning of every sentence is another
kind of thrill. When your son or daughter begins
using the "L-word" all the time, it's a sure
indication he or she will soon be trying to
forget who you are. Now, that's a
thrill!...Complete
essay available upon request
